Two pieces today from the good folk over at (the far more immodest) This Blog Rules. First up is a selection of hyper-abstract Star Wars posters from Soviet Russia. Obviously not being able to properly sanction anything that smacked of capitalist values, certain liberties had to be taken with the depiction of films. And when I say ‘certain liberties’, I mean it looks like they drew these before having seen the films and with the aid of naught but a 25-word precis. Something along the lines of “It’s a western film set in space, with robots, aliens and colourful swords. And when they fly fast in their spaceships lights start appearing. Twenty-five”

Han Solo really should have worn a hat that looked like this

… What the hell is that thing?

And second, there’s this series of really quite amazing photos from a French photographer Cedric Delsaux, basically exploring what it would like if Star Wars happened on Earth. More specifically, in Dubai. And what would happen? TOTALLY AWESOME SHIT WOULD HAPPEN!… It also looks like the Earth would be reduced to a bit of a lifeless wasteland, but hey, you take the good with the bad.

Sigourney Weaver in: AT-ATs in the Mist

Darth Vader waits for his date. His HOT date.

Just some bros. Chilling.

/Luke

This is apparently the masterstroke of “a diverse group of approximately 100 individuals”. They go on to explain that they “come from various parts of our planet. Almost all of us are related to science — as researchers, engineers, artists, writers, benefactors, or graduate students.”. They are also definitely not xenophobic: “our welcome is extended to any manifestation of extraterrestrial intelligence or alien intelligence that has reached our planet. Regardless of your form, regardless of where in the universe you originated, regardless of when you arrived, regardless of how deeply different you are from us, we welcome you.” But they do understand that perhaps aliens need to be convinced that talking to us is a worthwhile project, so they list “some possible benefits for you, in case you have not already thought of all of them”. These are by and large the kind of loosely patronising concepts I’m sure well-meaning missionaries the world over are well versed in, and include such corkers as:

• Interacting with a few people in depth could help you gain a deeper understanding of human psychology, society, and relationships. As a community of people with some understanding of alien intelligence and contact, we might be useful in this venture. [Translation: I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves]
• You might enjoy the experience of interacting with humans and feeling bonded and connected with them. You might find this experience interesting, illuminating, even joyful. Two-way love and caring might transcend any differences between your form of intelligence and ours, just as they sometimes transcend enormous differences between individual humans. [Translation: If you see a link to an article about something called "World War II", please don't click on it]
• You could gain intellectual excitement and a sense of adventure as you experience the dialogue, watch our learning, and see how the interaction unfolds. Let’s experiment with contact and see where it goes! [Translation: Hey baby, nice antennae, want to grab a drink later? Maybe afterwards you can wrap your ovipositor around my... Dierdre? What are you doing here? This isn't what it looks like, I promis- ARGH! The beautiful insect queen is eating my face!]

They then encourage contact in whatever way is convenient, whether that be “email, fax, telephone, or a face-to-face conversation”. Let me tell you, if aliens arrive and contact us via fax, I will eat one of my arms. That would also raise some serious questions about how a species managed to master the art of intergalactic travel, but still relied on fax to exchange information. I imagine the rates on interstellar faxing are just brutal. They then attach for the alien’s perusal the mighty Flag of Earth. This is slightly less embarrassing than the Comic Sans:

But not by much. Anyway, you get the idea. All in all, I feel this is a stunning example of human ingenuity that would make any alien feel right at home. Then we could lure them in and steal their kidneys.

[via @ProfessorFunk]

/Luke

P.S. More alien banter over at the New Yorker. Watch those gravel reserves.

Spirk!

Yes, Spirk is the slash pairing of James Tiberius Kirk, awesomebad Starfleet captain and all-round ladies man, and Spock, awesomebad Vulcan science officer, later ambassador to Romulus, practitioner of cowboy diplomacy and all-round nerve-pinching, mind-raping badass.

And Spirk has them bumming each other something fierce.

The whole thing began – or at least, took off properly – as a result of Pon Farr, which is a Vulcan hormonal need to bone or die. The Pon Farr episode in the original series is one of my favourites, and when I first saw it, in no way did I deduce bonerrific encounters from the scintillating plot and captivating character development taking place (having said that, I did deduce bonerrific encounters from the majority of The Little Mermaid, so… yeah). However there were stories springing up afterwards about Kirk and Spock stranded on some dustbowl planet GETTING THEIR SWEET TREKKY BONE ON.

Ahem.

If, inexplicably (or plicably, as the case may be) you hear the sound of rumbling ovaries/percolating man-gravy at the sight of these pictures, there are numerous… and I do mean numerous… sources on the net where fans have compiled, created, spawned and spewed reams of the stuff into sordid, wet little digital alleyways. Good luck with your perversions, you saucy little bastards; it’s a good thing none of this has affected me.

…I wonder how a Vulcan nerve pinch would affect a boner.

FUCK.

/Paul