Tramdalf.

This was shot and edited by Miklos Janek, the genius who directed Curiageous (and wrote it with me). It all went down last week on Bourke Street mall, and if you’re somehow unclear as to why we did it, I lost No Fuck Friday. NFF is a weekly feature wherein Luke and I “duel” with revolting videos. Everyone votes on which would be the hardest to get it on to, and typically the loser has to undergo some manner of humiliating ordeal; in this case, dress up as Gandalf and face off with a tram. Hence, Tramdalf. Makes sense. We’re pretty proud of it! Let us know what you think (read: lather us up with sweet, sweet kudos).

Oh yes, and while we’re here…

1. This is us being “officially” “back” – expect more posts, more content, more NFF.
2. It’s still not too late to vote in last week’s edition of NFF. You have until Wednesday evening, so get to it!

/Paul and Luke

Phew.

We’re back.

It’s taken a long fucking time, but we’re back. To say we’ve both been tangled up in other engagements is something of an understatement. We figured we’d kick off our return to form with part six in our ongoing series, NO FUCK FRIDAY. Basically, Luke and I present one video each for your perusal, whichever would be the hardest to have sex to wins. And you, yes you, have to cast the deciding votes. The loser will have to undertake some sort of degrading task, which will be filmed and shown for… who am I kidding, you all know how this works. And as a sidenote, if you find either of these arousing, seek medical help. And by ‘medical help’ I mean ‘cyanide capsule’. Here are the hard and fast rules, for your moist perusal.

1) Luke and myself present one video each.
2) We provide commentary for each video.
3) You must vote for the video you would find it hardest to have sex to. Not with, to. As in, watching this whilst having sex.
4) You must watch the entire video for each entry. If you can’t finish it, this doesn’t mean the other wins automatically, it just makes you a total pussy.

Aaaaand…. GO!

Luke: Ok, first up, sorry for the lack of embedding, but this video is independently hosted so they’re not really down with the whole idea. However, I think that if you take the time and effort to actually click the link and watch the video it contains, you’re going to discover a lovely tale that is both frank AND educational. The phrase “Ow ow ow ow ow ow, oh God, oh God, no, no, really? Oh shit! Shit! OW!” also leaps to mind. So, without further ado, I present to you ‘The Day I Broke My Penis’. Enjoy.

Do you even need to append NSFW to something like that?

Paul: After being dumped in the Yarra and having to stand down a tram at Bourke street mall, dressed as Gandalf the Grey, I decided it was time to pull out all stops. Before you react straight away to the video below, please bear in mind that you could be poised to plunge into your partner, when he/she turns on his/her wall-sized television next to the bed, plays this and bangs you in such a way that you have to face the screen the whole time. Like that scene from A Clockwork Orange, with Alex McDowell’s eyes prised open with tiny forceps. Only instead of atrocities from throughout history, you’re being forced to watch Short Stack. I fail to see how this wouldn’t kill your libido for good.

Punishment: Now, both of us do the occasional bit of stand-up comedy, so we thought that the punishment for this week should be that the loser has to get up and do a five minute set of material written for him by the winner. Because nothing says enjoyable like having to do material that you don’t understand or know all that well in front of a crowd of expectant people who are waiting to be entertained. Also, I have a killer and very glamourous anecdote about blocking a girl’s toilet the morning after a one-night stand that I really want to see Paul own.

As usual, be sure to vote! Finally, a few notes before you go:

1) Tramdalf shall be out within the next 48 hours.
2) Next week, Luke is owed a punishment for losing NFF5, namely eating a tin of tuna whilst dressed as a mermaid. Luke has an almost vomitous aversion to tuna, and will have to eat the tuna from inside the carcass of a fish.
3) Wheeeeeee!

/Paul and Luke

Yes, Tramdalf has been shot. If you were having lunch in the Melbourne CBD yesterday, you may have seen a fairly epic commotion go down, and… well, I shan’t spoil the ending for you. Sufficed to say the footage is pretty hilarious, and you’ll be able to see it for yourself first thing next week.

Next week will also usher in the relaunch of The Somewhat Ambitious! Both Luke and myself have been terrifyingly swamped with several new projects of late, hence our lack of posts. Keep your eyes peeled for the new, improved, borderline pornographically content-packed site. Also, No Fuck Friday will return this week.

You have been duly warned.

/Paul

Well well. You all showed up. Some said it couldn’t be done. Some said it was too late.

Ok, that’s enough vague bullshit meant to get you vaugely hyped. WELCOME TO NO FUCK FRIDAY! This is the fourth in our ongoing, and questionable, segment wherein the rules are very simple:

1) Luke and myself present one video each.
2) We provide commentary for each video.
3) You must vote for the video you would find it hardest to have sex to. Not with, to. As in, watching this whilst having sex.
4) You must watch the entire video for each entry. If you can’t finish it, this doesn’t mean the other wins automatically, it just makes you a total pussy.

The reason this rule has been introduced, is because I insist a retarded chef dying onscreen (not literally; we do have some limits) for nine minutes is immesurably worse if you sit through the whole thing. Or maybe I’m just bitter that Luke gets to baptise me in the Yarra this weekend, provided the temperatures outside break the ten degree mark, in which case I can be sure I won’t get hypothermia. Also, it’ll mean I probably won’t wake up in the year 3000, in a futuristic museum, where small children will poke me with robo-sticks (actual sticks having died out centuries ago). But, I digress. Here are our entries for No Fuck Friday 4!

Paul: I chose this video because it made me sick. If it helps, remember this: you’re not allowed to look away. Nor are you allowed to stop periodically imagining getting it on whilst this plays. That way, the bubbling burning feeling in your gut will give birth to a boy! Made of vomit. Incidentally, the youtube comments for this video comtain this exchange:

Puffkenny: u left out the head smashing scene lol

Bonecave: Oh CRAP! Can’t believe I left that out! Ooops. Oh well… not like anyone hasn’t seen it a million times already.

Luke: After last week’s mammoth entries I had hoped to curtail matters a little, but I think this particular gem warrants the time investment. I like the way it drops you straight into the action without really telling you what’s going on. So many questions! Who is this man? Who is he responding too? Why does he have toys all over his wal- Wait, did he just say he recycles his own semen?

And yes. This man is entirely serious and does exist.

As usual, vote and enjoy. Also, this time around, we’re taking votes for the punishment of the loser, which we’ll decide in our own good time. Also, keep your eyes peeled for my baptism. If I get sick, I plan on killing Luke in the face.

/Paul

As the loser of No Fuck Friday 2, Luke had the dubious honor of getting waterboarded today, with milk. Manchux (who can be seen holding the teatowel over Lukes head) was there, as were a bunch of our friends, all apparently giddy at the prospect of seeing Luke drowned in full cream milk. Let us know what you think!

As previously mentioned, the loser of the current No Fuck Friday gets baptized in the Yarra. Make sure you vote *for me COUGH COUGH* or someone *ME COUGH* could end up in the Yarra, catching all manner of terrible diseases. Which makes me sound like a douchebag, as i’m practically wishing for my best friend (a recovering cancer sufferer) to get even sicker. Now I’m all kinds of conflicted.

/Paul

Probably the hottest photo ever. And what better way to kick of the third edition of NO FUCK FRIDAY! Last week, it was almost a dead heat between my christian music video about babies, and Luke with his track My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs. I won, but that doesn’t mean this week will go the same way. In fact, having seen Lukes entry, it very likely won’t.

For those of you new to this segment, Luke and I compete every Friday to present the least sexually appealing video. Namely, the video you’d find it hardest to fuck to wins, and the loser gets something horrible done to them on camera. I believe the loser this week gets baptized in the Yarra which, for our overseas readers, is a stretch of muddy water composed largely of semen and dead babies. So as you can imagine, the stakes are pretty high. After the jump, you can see for yourself what Luke and I are bringing to the table…

…of FUCK.

Luke: The best part about my video, which in the style of the great masters of art I call ‘Man With Pizza Rolls’, is the way in which it actually takes a couple of minutes for the true horror of it all to unfold. And even then it’s not anything massive that gets you. It’s not a jarring moment, or an exercise in creepiness. Hell, for the first minute or so the video seems tolerable, perhaps even innocuous. But, much like the rape scene in Irreversible, if the accumulated weight of these smackings and grunts and wheezes and sighs don’t haunt your dreams for days, then I presume you are in fact Jesse Herd, and those sounds are an unavoidable fact of your day to day existence. For best effect watch with the sound turned right up.

Paul: I had some pretty serious misgivings about my entry this week. It’s been a pretty quiet week as far as repugnant video goes, and it took a fair bit of looking to come up with this gem. In fact, gem really isn’t the right word. This isn’t a gem. In the states, and to a lesser degree, here, there’s something called public access. The public means “anyone”. “Anyone” can include Christians in bad cardigans, farmers with teeth like shards of glass, rapists in bad cardigans which they themselves knitted, or those who are, in all likleyhood, clinically retarded. Sadly, in this case, that is an accurate description of the host in question. He is clinically retarded. If you can maintain an erection thoughout this video, not only are you a fundamentally bad person, but probably need to look into voluntary psychiatric care. Good luck. Oh, and don’t vote until you’ve seen the entire video.

–

Those are both fairly shitfuck mental.

Remember: voting for No Fuck Friday 3 finishes next Wednesday night, and the much anticipated milkboarding will be filmed tomorrow. There’s also lots of stuff coming up here at The Somewhat Ambitious over the next week, including:

- The new podcast! I promise!
- Luke gets nailed to a tree, JESUS STYLE!
- The middle east declares peace! Here, as an exclusive story!
- ANTS!

Get those votes in, guys. It’s the only way to prove you’re a good, churchgoing youth.

/Paul and Luke

Well, the voting has finished for No Fuck Friday 2, and I WON. I WON THE SHIT OUT OF IT. Of course if it turns out there was a miscount and I actually lost, dignity won’t be an issue as I’ll be getting waterboarded with milk on camera this weekend.

However, thankfully, I won. Which means you’ll all be able to see the second video in our ongoing “fuck you, you lost” series, wherein the loser of No Fuck Friday gets something unpleasant done to them for your amusement. Incidentally, if you’ve yet to witness the first video (wherein I was spanked with a thong by Luke), you can watch it here.

Time to get my milkboarding gloves on.

/Paul

Because I lost No Fuck Friday #1 (and by a slim margin, dammit), the agreement was that I got spanked with a thong. A havana, actually. Here’s the footage, taken after todays podcast recording session, of Luke spanking me good. The loser of No Fuck Friday #2 (votes close next Thursday) gets waterboarded with milk. I do NOT want to get milk poured on my face, so if you have any sense of decency, please. Vote for me so I can drown Luke in rancid cow squirtings.

/Paul