Wow. It’s hard to believe we’ve already had four No Fuck Fridays. And it’s hard to believe that I’ve won nearly all of them, and quite convincingly too. Yes sir, it’s nice to know there’s something I’m good at. Mum will be so proud.

Let’s cast our eyes back on the four weeks of fun, frivolity and unfuckability we’ve witnessed to date. Week one taught us that an erotically dancing Teuton named ‘C**t Smasher’ was marginally less sexable than a scantily latex clad hippie dance routine. Week two proved that having overgrown talking animals singing to us about the joys of sex was less of a turn on than a trio of singularly talentless teenagers from the 1960s singing to us about their pal Foot Foot. Week three was the week of fat men and food, with a video of a colossally obese man eating pizza rolls for four engrossing and amplified minutes being pitted against The Merrill Howard Kalin Show, which is about as ethically challenging as humourous videos on the Internet get. The pizza rolls won. And finally we had week four where a nerd talking about recycling his own sperm and wearing adult diapers while being spanked triumphed over a montage of horrifically violent scenes from the movie Lik Wong.

As you can see, it’s been an edifying few weeks.

But week four left on somewhat of a cliff-hanger: how was Paul to be punished for losing yet again in this most august of competitions? I racked my brains for something appropriate. It was a tough task, I tell you. I really, really enjoyed kicking Paul into the Yarra and, for all our benefits, I thought anything we settled upon needed to top that. And then it hit me: tram chicken. But not your good ol’ fashioned ‘I’m 13 and I’m invincible’ tram chicken. No. This had to be something more sophisticated. This was to be ‘I’m 26 and dressed up as Gandalf the White, pretending the tram is an onrushing Balrog and bellowing “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in the middle of a crowded Melbourne street’ tram chicken. And that’s what he has to do. He has to bring the tram to a stop, yell the sacred words and then stay there until the tram driver makes some effort to remove him. At which point he pissbolts.

This is going to be soooooooo sweet.

And Paul, some sage advice for you out there on the tram tracks from the man himself:

No Fuck Friday will be back next week. Get some action while you still can.

Paul: Ok. So myself, Luke and some friends are sitting drinking at a lovely venue on Brunswick street about a week ago. At this stage, none of us were sure how to handle the punishment dilemma, as all the ideas we’d come up with were in some way violent or damaging, and I was reluctant to participate in any of these, given that I’d previously been dumped in the Yarra and been subjected to toxin levels capable of making my hair bleed. One of the boys stumbled upon the idea of my having to stand in front of a tram, and not leave until someone tried to remove me. We all adored this. Then, I said “hey… what if I dressed as Braveheart and held a spear, and bellowed HOLD… HOLD…”, and we all cackled. Then, I told everyone to shut up. I cleared my throat and said “one word. Gandalf. YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!” and we all threw up on the table, which is what happens when a really good idea is born. So that’s what I have to do. For submitting the inferior unfuckable video, I have to dress up as Tramdalf and have a showdown on Bourke street this weekend. I can’t wait.

/Luke and Paul

If Grease 2 taught us anything, and it did, sequels are almost always better than the originals (loathe be I to distract attention away from the main event, but seriously, click on that link. The film is even better than you remember. And by better I mean abysmally awful. So not ‘better’ at all really. What an odd choice of phrase…). And this week’s No Fuck Friday is almost definitely better than the original. Because No Fuck Friday is all about abysmal awfulness.

The brief, to put it succinctly, is that Paul and I each submit a video of such profound heinousness that any attempt to attain or sustain an erection/whatever it is that ladies do (ick!) while watching said videos is doomed to failure. Last week I won convincingly with the evocatively titled ‘Cunt Smasher’. As my prize, I will be spanking Paul with a thong to mariachi music in a soon to be uploaded video. Not as homoerotic as it sounds.

But as reigning champ, I have been given responsibility for picking next week’s punishment. And here it is: the winner gets to waterboard the loser with a small bottle of milk. Here’s a sneak preview of what this might be like. Although I am talking a tiny bottle of milk here, so in all likelihood it’ll be more about sensually pouring milk on the loser’s face than extracting state secrets. Either way: fun! Also, it’ll be soundtracked by Aqua’s almost NFF-worthy song ‘Back To The 80s’. God that tune is fucking awful.

Now, on with the entries!

Paul: Why I chose The Miracle of Birth: Well to be honest, it’s highly educational. I didn’t know most of the stuff moustache guy sang about! Penis IN the vagina? I’ve always just skirted around the edges! And is that Ernest Borgnine swying around next to a giant hippo and an owl? A giant green thing which behaves as though everyone in the room has just drugged him? Also, Rapey McJones has the kind of vocal range normally reserved for suburban church choirs or prison. Or both! Whilst Luke’s entry is pretty fucking repellant, this, for me, destroys anything resembling an erection faster than you can say “quick! lock the door, giant hippo! Time to get our fuck on!”. Ouch.

Luke: Now, there’s a few things you might notice while watching my video. First, it’s not actually a video, rather it’s a still image of the band you’re listening to: 1969’s pioneering all girl, all sister rock group The Shaggs. The girls’ father forced them to become a band in response to a palmreading his mother had done when he was a baby. No shit. Second, the song is called ‘My Pal, Foot Foot’. You can see their artistic rendering of Foot Foot here. Uh-huh. And thirdly, this is quite evidently the worst song of all time. Either that or it’s displaying a level of avant garde genius my puny mortal brain simply cannot endure. But I’m leaning toward the former. The Shaggs: rather ironically not suitable for any shagging whatsoever.

And there we have it. The contenders are in. Now, go light some candles, crack out the massage oil and try and get sensual with that special someone while these are playing. I dare you.

Oh yes, and cast your votes in the comment section. Wicked.

/Luke

So. Turns out I lost NO FUCK FRIDAY #1. As promised, tonight I’ll be getting my arse slapped very very hard by Luke. Furthermore, it’ll be filmed, and apparently there’ll be mariachi music played over the top. To be fair, Luke has arms that would make Mr. Burns feel like Thor, but I’ll humor him and let him have a shot. Stay tuned for video of this heinous event.

Also, lots more bent pieces are coming today, including a mini-feature by Luke about NOVELTY MEAT PRODUCTS! What a loser.

/Paul

We here at The Somewhat Ambitious love tradition. We love the way tradition binds people together. Tradition is the backbone of community, and we here at The Somewhat Ambitious care first and foremost about community. Which is why we’re introducing a brand new tradition that we like to call No Fuck Friday.

Here’s how it works. Every Friday, Luke and myself will post a video that nobody in their right mind would want to (or for that matter, be able to) copulate to. Basically the most offbeat, repellant thing we’ve discovered over the previous week. That doesn’t mean it has to obscene, it just has to be… off. Of course, it has crossed our mind that is the brave man/woman who copulates to any of the videos that we post on this website but, you know, we like to think this is some next level shit. You guys can vote for what you think should claim the title, which will probably factor into what we pick for next week. See, it’s all about community. Community and democracy.

Below are our respective entries for No Fuck Friday #1. There’s fairly liberal use of some of the more exotic words in the English language and plenty of leather chaps to be had in this week’s entries (i.e. almost definitely NSFW), so hit the link to see what’s in store.

Just don’t try and have sex with anything.

Luke: This video is called Cunt Smasher. I can’t work out whether this is exactly what I expected when I saw that title, or the complete opposite. Either way there’s a lot of middle-aged ladies in the audience that seem to LOVE IT!… shudder. Yes, that’s right, I said shudder. I didn’t do it, I said it… Cunt Smasher!

Paul: Next up is my entry, called FIESTA HIPPIE. I chose this video not only because the soundtrack spoke to me, but the dude in the middle has an almost swan-like ability to make my eyes bleed with emotion. I think for someone to actually get busy to this would require some PCP and close-harmony singing.

Now you’ve probably already decided on which of the two you found less, or more, repellant, or maybe you’re just angry that you sat through six minutes of what could at best be charitably described as fairly severe hallucinations. Rest assured, however, that things will only get worse for the next edition of No Fuck Friday.

Tradition. And community.

Cast your votes now.

/Paul and Luke