You always got the feeling that Godzilla was treated a little unfairly by movie makers. One minute the scourge of humanity, the next their saviour, no-one ever seemed to stop and think about what it might be that Godzilla himself was feeling. What was his internal monologue? Surely something had to be fuelling all that destructive, childlike rage. Something deep. After all, monsters aren’t found; they’re made. Even when said monster has emerged from the sea to wreak vengeful destruction upon Tokyo and surrounds. Maybe he felt under-appreciated by the humans whom he strove so ceaselessly to defend (when he wasn’t trying to destroy them – it really changed from film to film, and there were 28 of them… it was hard to keep track). Maybe he was having issues with his son, Minilla. Or maybe he was just an asshole.

Well, fortunately for those of us for whom these questions are a pressing concern (anyone?… anyone?… anyone?… sigh), someone by the I’m-almost-certain-that’s-not-on-his-birth-certificate name of SamuraiFrog has created a Tumblr dedicated to allowing the great green lizard to express himself. In haiku form. And let me just say, turns out the guy is complex. Like really conflicted. Like I would not let a female friend of mine go out with this dude in a million years. Mostly because of the eating, killing and whole inter-species thing, but also because he’s obviously an emotional wreck.

But still, you know how it goes: 100 metre tall, 60 000 tonne, prehistoric dino-lord meets girl, girl meets 100 metre tall, 60 000 tonne, prehistoric dino-lord, sparks fly, girl is incinerated, 100 metre tall, 60 000 tonne, prehistoric dino-lord goes off to cry in a corner about being lonely. Typical 100 metre tall, 60 000 tonne, prehistoric dino-lord. Typical.

More over at Godzilla Haiku

/Luke

Two pieces today from the good folk over at (the far more immodest) This Blog Rules. First up is a selection of hyper-abstract Star Wars posters from Soviet Russia. Obviously not being able to properly sanction anything that smacked of capitalist values, certain liberties had to be taken with the depiction of films. And when I say ‘certain liberties’, I mean it looks like they drew these before having seen the films and with the aid of naught but a 25-word precis. Something along the lines of “It’s a western film set in space, with robots, aliens and colourful swords. And when they fly fast in their spaceships lights start appearing. Twenty-five”

Han Solo really should have worn a hat that looked like this

… What the hell is that thing?

And second, there’s this series of really quite amazing photos from a French photographer Cedric Delsaux, basically exploring what it would like if Star Wars happened on Earth. More specifically, in Dubai. And what would happen? TOTALLY AWESOME SHIT WOULD HAPPEN!… It also looks like the Earth would be reduced to a bit of a lifeless wasteland, but hey, you take the good with the bad.

Sigourney Weaver in: AT-ATs in the Mist

Darth Vader waits for his date. His HOT date.

Just some bros. Chilling.

/Luke

I never really got to experience Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood – as a child, I was more inclined to NOT watch creepy dudes emerge from behind train sets. In fact, I really didn’t know all that much about the show until I watched this clip which, let’s be honest, is awesomecrazy terribad. The show itself ran from 1968 to 2001, and can best be summed up like so:

Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood was characterized by its quiet simplicity and gentleness. Episodes did not have a plot, and consisted of Rogers speaking directly to the viewer about various issues, taking the viewer on tours of factories, demonstrating experiments, crafts, and music, and interacting with his friends. The half-hour episodes were punctuated by a puppet segment chronicling occurrences in the Neighborhood of Make-Believe.

I dig that the premise of this show was a cool old dude in a sweater just hanging out with you. But that’s also the premise of the Saw films. At least, I think it is, having never bothered watching beyond the first one. They’re all about make believe and old guys in sweaters, right?

Right? Right. Time to do some actual research. Brb.

OH GOD I’VE BEEN LIVING A LIE

/Paul

Jamie Bolton, clearly a shiny little genius, has utilized minimalist design aesthetics and principles to re-imagine movie posters for some classics. I particularly enjoyed his interpretations of the Back to the Future trilogy and The Shining, although I can’t help but feel his Jurassic Park poster ought to have had Jeff Goldblum’s oiled nipples staring outwards with glistening defiance.

Or maybe that’s just me.

Who am I kidding? YOU ALL WANT A PIECE OF THIS.

(link via Hello Bauldoff, via TJ)

Here is PMT acting his dick clean off in order to depict THE HORRORS OF DURGS.

And here is PMT singing his dick clean off in order to (inadvertently) depict THE HORRORS OF DUUURGS.

How you feeling? Pretty rough, huh? Yeah, me too.

Me too.

/Paul

Seriously, the Princess wanted to marry him? Although, if I were Bowser, the prospect of that guy coming after me would be vastly more terrifying than a regulation fat Italian plumber giving it a shot. I mean, look at him. He’d rip your eyelids off as soon as look as you. For those of you who have no idea what on Earth is going on, Lou Albano was a wrestler who also just so happened to play the role of Mario in the kids TV show Super Mario Bros, which aired from 1989-1991. I was 5 at the time, and even at that age I can remember being dazzled by exactly how crap it was. If you want a succinct example of exactly what level of crapness we’re talking about, then behold the single take glory that was the closing credits:

Two comments:

1. “Swing you arms from side to side” and “take one step, and then again” does not a dance make. Although it does look like the only kind of dance a man of that build might be capable of attacking.

2. Was Lou Albano drunk? I’m almost positive he fluffs the landing at the very end. And there’s really not that much of a landing to fluff either.

Not that the general air of mediocrity dissuaded me from watching it. I ate the show up with the same fervour with which I consumed my morning Cheerios (I was in Canada at the time) in the hope of procuring another Mario sticker. Stickers, man! Wasn’t that just the highlight of your 5 year old day? Ah, I wish I had some stickers now. Anyway, it’s sad to see him go. It was too soon. Another couple of years and the world probably would have been ready for a remake.

Now we’ll just have to make do with Weekend at Mario’s.

[via Boing Boing]

Now, I really just don’t know how this makes me feel. On September 17, NBC is premiering a new show called ‘Community‘ that just so happens to be directed by Joe and Anthony Russo, the dudes who directed Arrested Development. Which is itself a show that, in terms of human achievement, I generally rank up there alongside the Moon landing and the invention of Pop Rocks. And I will monkey knife-fight anyone who says different. Especially about the Pop Rocks.

So, the dilemma. On the one hand we have a new show by two of the people that were presumably instrumental in creating the single most convincing reason that television has ever had for its own existence. But on the other hand we have a preview that looks slightly less than convincing and the lingering doubt that the directors of Arrested Development may well have just been the window dressing to Mitch Hurwitz’s giant plate glass window of genius. It’s a… confusing time.

But, on the third hand (AHHHHHH! MUTANT!) it does star an incredibly aged looking Chevy Chase. Which is cool and all, but also comes with a hint of “Woah, what happened to you man? You used to be Fletch. You got old… But that means… that means I got old. Oh GOD! Look at my withered hands! I’ll never be pretty again! I’ll never be Fletch!”

And with that I cross off another childhood dream. Sigh.

/Luke

Anyone ever seen Fantastic Planet?

Yeah, I know. It sounds ridiculous. Thing is, I was raised on it. There was no better way for young Paul to trip balls (apart from the prolific amounts of toxic plants which grew under my house, which I ingested with gusto on more than one occasion. I was a sick, sick child).

Fantastic Planet was (and, unelss every copy has been destroyed, still is) a surreal animated feature about tiny people, much like humans, being slaves to cruel blue aliens. It won several awards at Cannes, even without Charlotte Gainsbourg hammering a nail into an unfortunate ball, and had a soundtrack so warped it made my young brain cry. And this morning, I discovered something which brought all those memories rushing back.

This film clip for Birdy Nam Nam’s The Parachute Ending is awesome. Not only is it awesome, it’s vaguely upsetting. Which is the best, and most profound, kind of awesome. Now I just need to go and curl up someplace and wait for the baffling nostalgia to wear off.

/Paul

While I was as partial to the works of Roald Dahl as any kid is, I must admit my more obsessive loyalties tended to lie with the venerable back-catalogue of Enid Blyton. Evidently I enjoyed my child-like whimsy with a healthy subtext of Aryan super-race (the phrase “black as a nigger with soot” really takes some of the gloss off of the otherwise charming tale Five Go off to Camp). But my racist childhood notwithstanding (ha, just kidding, I love all those thieving foreigners), this definitely falls into my “how the hell did I miss this?!” basket. Wes Anderson (who I love) is writing and directing an animated adaptation of The Fantastic Mr Fox (which I am moderately disposed to), starring George Clooney (who I love), Bill Murray (who I love), Jason Schwartzman (who’s pretty cool), Adrian Brody (who I have a definite soft spot for), Meryl Streep (who is pretty great), Anjelica Huston (you’ll always be Morticia to me Anjelica), Owen Wilson (who had more cred before he starred in Marley & Me), Jarvis Cocker (who will hopefully be performing a thoroughly appropriate rendition of ‘This Is Hardcore’) and Mario Batali (who I have never heard of before and have included in this list for no particular reason). Here’s the preview:

As someone has pointed out, the general combination of voice and plot does give one the impression this could easily be called ‘Fox’s 11′. But it’s Wes Anderson, so I’m sure it’ll be amazing. Unlike Ocean’s 11. Or 12. Or 13. Yeah, that was all just a bit crap in general, wasn’t it?

/Luke

A movie for people who enjoy:

- Top knots
- Tea pouring
- Men doing manly things. Like killing.
- Killing
- Stern looks
- Winsome looks
- Eyes
- The gentle art of noble sacrifice
- Burning
- Chinese nationalism
- War drums
- Declarative sentences
- Pyrrhic victories
- The use of caprice as a pivotal narrative device

Not a movie for people who enjoy:

- Coffee
- Sophisticated character arcs
- Subtlety
- Individualism
- A Woody Allen approach to dialogue
- The sanctity of life
- The gentle art of tracking shots
- The LOLs
- Contemporary methods of disease control
- Emotional engagement
- Simple character differentiation
- Any dessert based around custard

All in all, I give it seventy thousand dead Chinese peasants out of a hundred thousand. Life is cheap. This movie wasn’t.

/Luke