The Somewhat Ambitious

Remember SETI? Everyone got really excited about it back in 1999 when they introduced the SETI@Home screen saver (Jesus, remember screen savers?), allowing people to use spare processing power on their magnificent Pentium 1 monsters to parse cosmic radio waves for evidence of intelligent life. Well, the bad news is that, as yet, no such evidence exists. Even with the thousands upon thousands of Pentium 1 monsters chewing through the data. But the good news is that a small group of people are ready for the inevitable moment of contact, and have even set up a website to welcome extra-terrestrial intelligence (ETI) to Earth. And boy are we putting our best foot forward with this project. Because if there’s one thing we want to express to aliens on our first meeting, it’s definitely our deep and enduring love of Comic Sans:

This is apparently the masterstroke of “a diverse group of approximately 100 individuals”. They go on to explain that they “come from various parts of our planet. Almost all of us are related to science — as researchers, engineers, artists, writers, benefactors, or graduate students.”. They are also definitely not xenophobic: “our welcome is extended to any manifestation of extraterrestrial intelligence or alien intelligence that has reached our planet. Regardless of your form, regardless of where in the universe you originated, regardless of when you arrived, regardless of how deeply different you are from us, we welcome you.” But they do understand that perhaps aliens need to be convinced that talking to us is a worthwhile project, so they list “some possible benefits for you, in case you have not already thought of all of them”. These are by and large the kind of loosely patronising concepts I’m sure well-meaning missionaries the world over are well versed in, and include such corkers as:

• Interacting with a few people in depth could help you gain a deeper understanding of human psychology, society, and relationships. As a community of people with some understanding of alien intelligence and contact, we might be useful in this venture. [Translation: I, for one, welcome our new insect overlords. I'd like to remind them that as a trusted TV personality I could be helpful in rounding up others to toil in their underground sugar caves]
• You might enjoy the experience of interacting with humans and feeling bonded and connected with them. You might find this experience interesting, illuminating, even joyful. Two-way love and caring might transcend any differences between your form of intelligence and ours, just as they sometimes transcend enormous differences between individual humans. [Translation: If you see a link to an article about something called "World War II", please don't click on it]
• You could gain intellectual excitement and a sense of adventure as you experience the dialogue, watch our learning, and see how the interaction unfolds. Let’s experiment with contact and see where it goes! [Translation: Hey baby, nice antennae, want to grab a drink later? Maybe afterwards you can wrap your ovipositor around my... Dierdre? What are you doing here? This isn't what it looks like, I promis- ARGH! The beautiful insect queen is eating my face!]

They then encourage contact in whatever way is convenient, whether that be “email, fax, telephone, or a face-to-face conversation”. Let me tell you, if aliens arrive and contact us via fax, I will eat one of my arms. That would also raise some serious questions about how a species managed to master the art of intergalactic travel, but still relied on fax to exchange information. I imagine the rates on interstellar faxing are just brutal. They then attach for the alien’s perusal the mighty Flag of Earth. This is slightly less embarrassing than the Comic Sans:

But not by much. Anyway, you get the idea. All in all, I feel this is a stunning example of human ingenuity that would make any alien feel right at home. Then we could lure them in and steal their kidneys.

[via @ProfessorFunk]

/Luke

P.S. More alien banter over at the New Yorker. Watch those gravel reserves.