The Somewhat Ambitious

Nicholas Cage is one of those actors whose very glare can render you infertile. Whether he’s wowing us by playing a sycophantic gambler in Snake Eyes, a pedantic cop in the Wicker Man remake, or JOHNNY BLAZE in GHOST RIDER*, the man has more range than the Andes. Which, as I learned during an abortive trivia session this past week, have a great deal of range. I also found out that yelling “VAGINA” every time a question is read out isn’t witty, and neither is attempting to call your team “TEAM VAGINA”.

Sigh.

Anyway, Nicholas has become increasingly erratic and harder to comprehend over the past few years. After winning critics over in the Jonze/Kauffman masterpiece Adaptataion, he proceeded to plough dick-first into a despair-swamp of shitty roles, exacerbated by the fact that his hair appears to have grown directly into his chubby brain. So what better way to wrestle his career back on track than quite literally CONTROLLING THE CAGE? Brandon Bird has released the Nicholas Cage Adventure Set. Imagine paper dolls. Only with icecream. And a parrot. And Nicholas Motherfucking Cage. Here’s how the website breaks it all down:

Introducing the Nicolas Cage Adventure Set! The magic and wonder of one of the most dynamic figures of the 21st century comes home in this incredible playset (one might even call it a Colorforms set, if “Colorforms” was not a registered trademark of the University Games Corporation). Reusable vinyl stickers cling like magic to glossy backdrops! Mix and match accessories! Peel and re-peel to create new scenes! The fate of Nicolas Cage is in your hands!

Each set includes a double-sided 8.5 x 11 inch play background (depicting “tropical island” and “haunted castle” environments) and one 8.5 x 11 inch sheet of nine vinyl cling stickers: 3 full-body Nicolas Cages, battle axe, skateboard, ice cream cone, scary ghost, parrot, and space helmet.

I’m pretty sure I’m bleeding to death with joy over here.

/Paul

*I had ball-spasms whilst writing those words, hence the all caps.