The Somewhat Ambitious

Because he might just be a practitioner of BARTITSU! As such, he might well whoop your ass… Let me explain:

Four-odd weeks ago I had some light surgery on my left knee. As a result I have been somewhat restricted in my movements and unable to take part in my daily recreations, such as pogo-sticking, ballet-polka-rollerskating fusion and nudging the homeless with my very expensive patent leather loafers. I like to call it “loafering the loafers”. But this operation has also meant that I’ve required walking aids in order to be able to move about, and not being one to just wear my disability on the chin (or the knee as the case may be), I decided to upgrade from my hospital issue elbow crutches to a more striking/pretentious vintage walking cane. Which at least has allowed me to prod the homeless instead. “Prodding the loafers” doesn’t have quite the same ring, but it’ll do.

As is his wont, Paul was looking for a way that I might be able to weaponise my cane. He suggested an investment in this rapier/umbrella concoction (which I imagine would be a bitch to get through customs). But I, for one, think there are better, more honourable alternatives to hiding a blade within an umbrella. Behold: Bartitsu. The phrase “Have at you!” doesn’t even begin to do it justice:

Things we can learn from this picture:

1. An extravagant moustache is the most important part of Bartitsu. It intimidates your opponent. It also protects your upper lip from glancing blows and impresses the ladies. Before you prod them with your cane. Not a pun.

2. A cravat is the second most important part of Bartitsu. A sufficiently stunning cravat will distract your opponent, allowing you to prod him with your cane.

3. A slightly dazed, war-veteran style thousand-yard stare is the third most important part of Bartitsu. Look at that guy’s eyes. He’d be capable of anything. I bet he killed a man with his bare hands in the Boer War. And now he’s got a cane. Run, you fools!

4. Before commencing fisticuffs, you first must do the Dance of the Thrown Overcoat.

5. If full Edwardian garb is not available, a casual skirt may be worn.

Informative. Still confused? Well, then here’s a video of the martial art in action

I guess after that we can probably also add:

6. Jaunty piano soundtrack, while not mandatory, is very much recommended.

But look at that speed, that style, that grace. Those bitching hats. Those impractical-in-summer coats. I mean, it’s not much to ask, but if we can make this an exhibition sport at the 2020 Olympics, then I will be able to die a happy, happy man. My body encased in bronze, and my cane jutting into the throat of anyone who came near.

Something to aim for.

/Luke