Phew.
We’re back.
It’s taken a long fucking time, but we’re back. To say we’ve both been tangled up in other engagements is something of an understatement. We figured we’d kick off our return to form with part six in our ongoing series, NO FUCK FRIDAY. Basically, Luke and I present one video each for your perusal, whichever would be the hardest to have sex to wins. And you, yes you, have to cast the deciding votes. The loser will have to undertake some sort of degrading task, which will be filmed and shown for… who am I kidding, you all know how this works. And as a sidenote, if you find either of these arousing, seek medical help. And by ‘medical help’ I mean ‘cyanide capsule’. Here are the hard and fast rules, for your moist perusal.
1) Luke and myself present one video each.
2) We provide commentary for each video.
3) You must vote for the video you would find it hardest to have sex to. Not with, to. As in, watching this whilst having sex.
4) You must watch the entire video for each entry. If you can’t finish it, this doesn’t mean the other wins automatically, it just makes you a total pussy.
Aaaaand…. GO!
Luke: Ok, first up, sorry for the lack of embedding, but this video is independently hosted so they’re not really down with the whole idea. However, I think that if you take the time and effort to actually click the link and watch the video it contains, you’re going to discover a lovely tale that is both frank AND educational. The phrase “Ow ow ow ow ow ow, oh God, oh God, no, no, really? Oh shit! Shit! OW!” also leaps to mind. So, without further ado, I present to you ‘The Day I Broke My Penis’. Enjoy.
Do you even need to append NSFW to something like that?
Paul: After being dumped in the Yarra and having to stand down a tram at Bourke street mall, dressed as Gandalf the Grey, I decided it was time to pull out all stops. Before you react straight away to the video below, please bear in mind that you could be poised to plunge into your partner, when he/she turns on his/her wall-sized television next to the bed, plays this and bangs you in such a way that you have to face the screen the whole time. Like that scene from A Clockwork Orange, with Alex McDowell’s eyes prised open with tiny forceps. Only instead of atrocities from throughout history, you’re being forced to watch Short Stack. I fail to see how this wouldn’t kill your libido for good.
Punishment: Now, both of us do the occasional bit of stand-up comedy, so we thought that the punishment for this week should be that the loser has to get up and do a five minute set of material written for him by the winner. Because nothing says enjoyable like having to do material that you don’t understand or know all that well in front of a crowd of expectant people who are waiting to be entertained. Also, I have a killer and very glamourous anecdote about blocking a girl’s toilet the morning after a one-night stand that I really want to see Paul own.
As usual, be sure to vote! Finally, a few notes before you go:
1) Tramdalf shall be out within the next 48 hours.
2) Next week, Luke is owed a punishment for losing NFF5, namely eating a tin of tuna whilst dressed as a mermaid. Luke has an almost vomitous aversion to tuna, and will have to eat the tuna from inside the carcass of a fish.
3) Wheeeeeee!
/Paul and Luke
73 responses so far ↓
1 Steven Lewis // Sep 11, 2009 at 2:53 pm
Paul, it’s like you weren’t even trying. My prediction: Luke wins effortlessly.
2 Erin // Sep 11, 2009 at 3:00 pm
I vote Paul. Short Stack actually turn my stomach. I don’t even like them when drunk, and that’s saying something.
And I could imagine myself quite happily fucking away as some random guy talks in a boring monotone voice.. easy.
3 Maddy // Sep 11, 2009 at 3:13 pm
Short Stack are ear rapists. No one should be able to enjoy sex while being raped through the ear canal simultaneously.
Paul wins, though i did seem he took the easy option.
4 soph // Sep 11, 2009 at 3:18 pm
‘it looked like someone had been murdered’. i feel violently ill. i mean, where did that picture come from? sorry paul.
5 Dboy // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Yeah, breaking penises or dwarfs promoting bland, commercial and generic emo rock performed by teenie-bopper try-hards.
Tough choice, but I can’t go past the image of a broken penis, let along the mental picture of my broken penis.
Luke win-eth.
6 Hamish // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm
One vote for Broken Penis.
Now how can I undo time to make myself not watch it.
7 kealey // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:14 pm
luke wins. graphic, horrible descriptions. awful.
8 Mitchell // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Paul that was disgusting, terrible video. No one bears to watch utter shit such as that but Luke wins for the sheer pain that you feel in seeing a photo of a ‘degloving’. Fuck, that sounds just like it looks.
9 Natalie // Sep 11, 2009 at 4:59 pm
Paul. Hands down. Sorry Luke, I’m not precious about penises and I’ve seen appendages degloved. I see old man bloody penises with canulas in them and still come home for a mess about. Paul’s video made an annoyance rise in me, leaving me bereft of mojo and in its place the phrase not oft said by yours truly “Not tonight honey, I’ve got a headache.”
10 brett kriewaldt // Sep 11, 2009 at 5:03 pm
After watching broken penis i was thinking what a great idea it would be to have sex with my girlfriend when she gets home(me on top of course). Then I watched Short Stack. Now I have to show her Short Stack so she will understand why there will be no sex in this house tonight! Thanks for nothing Verhoeven
11 Bec // Sep 11, 2009 at 5:20 pm
Thanks a lot Verhoven. My plans for a hot Friday night in bed with my partner have now been completely trashed, and will be replaced by me cowering in a darkened room, remembering the good ol’ days when I actually had a libido.
Screw you man, screw you.
(Sorry Luke, but I doubt there’s anything that could beat Short Stack. Oh, the horror.)
12 dave // Sep 11, 2009 at 5:58 pm
A vote for Luke. As stomach turning as Short Stack are I would watch that 1000 times before having to empathise with snapped penis man again.
13 The Mighty Ginge // Sep 11, 2009 at 5:59 pm
Like that strange Englishman said in the video, I was morbidly curious about the broken penis. But I feel physically ill now after watching Short Stack – as if I’d been punched in the stomach by that obnoxious twat singing.
And the more I think about it the sicker I feel. Quick vote for Paul before I have to throw up
14 Ben // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:13 pm
PAUL PAUL PAUL
15 fishboy // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:15 pm
OMG. Luke wins again. I mean – Short Stack are revolting but the pain passes quickly once they stop. Broken penis? That shit will stay with me for days. Thanks a fuck of a lot.
16 Sketchyfletchy // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:18 pm
My vote goes to Paul.
Sorry Luke, but the busted wang video is pretty bland for the most part, you’d have to be listening and concentrating on what they’re saying to really lose it, and by the time the degloving shot comes on, you and your partner have probably already given up on the video and just started going at it anyway.
Short stack on the other hand is tantamount to fucking psychological warfare. I’m pretty certain that being forced to watch that shit whilst attempting to copulate would be borderline rape. Certainly, it’s a sex act I don’t think any sane human being would consent to willingly.
D:>
17 Furious D // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:26 pm
Paul by a country mile.
Forget having sex to that, the abomination that is Short Stack have instead left me begging for the sweet relief of death.
18 dollythesheep // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:27 pm
Paul, i cannot express my hatred any more for the tween-emo-pop shite you posted. More to the point: I could never have sex to that. *blergh*
19 Andy // Sep 11, 2009 at 7:31 pm
Luke wins hands down this week even though I hate Short Stack. Sorry Paul.
20 Cassie // Sep 11, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Seeing as though I don’t have the particular appendage mutilated in Luke’s video I find it hard to truly be put off by it…and the fact that he says it works better than ever now probably has a counter-effect to the one Luke wanted. Now Short Stack….Paul I can’t believe you made us sit through a whole three minutes of that! Monster! You get my vote.
21 Jimi // Sep 11, 2009 at 8:09 pm
Sorry Paul as mind bendingly nauseating Short Stack are. It has to go to Luke.. as a picture of a bloated skinned (ungloved!) penis is going to haunt me on what was supposed to be a dirty weekend away in Belgium.
It was like my libido was being beaten to death with stale baguettes made of flayed cock.
22 Drew // Sep 11, 2009 at 8:17 pm
i vote paul. almost chundered.
23 Fi // Sep 11, 2009 at 8:57 pm
No. Too much. This video makes me want to become a nun. Thanks Paul.
24 Alex // Sep 11, 2009 at 9:30 pm
I vote Paul. I would leave if any partner of mine suggested fucking to Short Stack.
25 Erin // Sep 11, 2009 at 11:01 pm
Paul wins, I could not bear to have to listen to that rubbish again.
And, I don’t have a penis, so the thought of a de-gloving doesn’t pain me all that much…
26 Lady P // Sep 11, 2009 at 11:21 pm
Paul wins..
he gets zero points for creativity but his video definitely delivered on the NFF.
27 Taylor // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:21 am
Ummm, yeah, easy win to Luke. As someone who has a penis, it hit all too close to home. A little stomach-turning for so early on a Friday. Breakfast waits.
Paul’s entry from a band who clearly came up with their name at the local diner one morning, it’s nothing. Not even remotely bothersome. Maybe that’s because I’m in America where shit bands like that are a dime a dozen (baker’s dozen) and don’t bother me more than my saying “God, another shit band like that. Where’s my computer…where’s my triple j?” Really, American radio is dead to me.
Regardless, Luke FTW this week. And either way, good to have you boys back!
28 Dalyn // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:27 am
Paul wins.
Broken penis was awful but it ended on a positive note.
Even worse than the image of ‘de-gloving’ is the part in Short Stack between when it started and when it ended.
It makes me wish the deathstar wasn’t destroyed by those pesky rebels so someone could cleanse the universe of such a heinous crime against nature.
29 blotto // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:40 am
ok thanks for the welcome return of the greatest comp since midget throwing but i refuse to contribute my vote to this game till i see tramdalf!!!!!!
what fun is it for us viewers if we get punished with these god awful vids and no sex for the weekend due to sickness if we dont get to see you guys doing something ridiculous.
BOYCOTT OF NFF TILL TRAMDALF WHOS WITH ME!!!!
30 Tarzant // Sep 12, 2009 at 12:48 am
Fuck me with a mailed dwarven fist, the singer in Short Stack looks like a reeeeaaalll bad Russel Brand impersonator. 1 up Paul, give me broken penis guy anyday.
31 Jackson // Sep 12, 2009 at 2:44 am
I seem to be in the minority in not having a violently offended first reaction to this bunch of excessively androdynous boys called Shortstack. No doubt they suck, but ruin my night? I don’t think so, whereas the broken penis story got me in that very painful head-space.
That said both entries seem pretty darn weak for a NFF. My vote goes to Luke, but please raise the bar a little guys…
32 Shannon // Sep 12, 2009 at 9:54 am
Luke, you’ve got my vote.
33 Hawkesy // Sep 12, 2009 at 4:07 pm
Paul gets my vote. I can handle the concept of someone breaking a penis, the odds are with the amount of sex occuring that sooner or later it will happen. However neither statistics, science or god can come up with a good reason for either Short Stack or this song, or video
34 Sally // Sep 12, 2009 at 5:11 pm
I hate to reveal this about the people I associate with because I fear I may be disowned by this community but three of my friends (sigh…) have been to see Short Stack TWICE.
They sensed a problem when they were at the back but could see the stage clearly over the Tweens screaming their hearts out.
I have way too much knowledge on these Jonas Bros./Russell Brand love children and probably shouldn’t judge because of this bias but…
PAUL hands down.
35 Jackson // Sep 12, 2009 at 7:35 pm
Sally come on, really? What is with this vendetta agaignst any music post 1985? Ben Folds is not the only creator of noise that isn’t demented you know…
36 Jackson // Sep 12, 2009 at 7:37 pm
My point is that there is no comparison between generically inoffensive pastel-emo mush for the kiddies, and visceral images of sliced up pork sword.
37 Anthony // Sep 13, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Luke wins… That was bad Paul, but I’m going to be scared of sex for months after listening to Luke’s video
38 Tramdalf. // Sep 14, 2009 at 8:17 am
[...] No Fuck Friday 6: My Girl Fuck Friday. [...]
39 Rory // Sep 14, 2009 at 10:15 am
Luke wins.
40 Steven Lewis // Sep 14, 2009 at 5:33 pm
I’m surprised by the women voting for Paul on the basis that they don’t have penises so can’t get on board with Luke’s entry. This guy’s penis became a fountain of blood while it was inside his lovely lady. You don’t need a penis to find that a turn off, surely?
Then again, my musical taste has always been questioned so maybe I just don’t get the offensiveness of Short Stack (of whom I’d never heard before NFF).
41 Samoan Joe // Sep 14, 2009 at 6:11 pm
As a musician, and a guy….That was tough, but I’m afraid that my vote is going to have to go to Paul. Watching the penis video made me cross my legs and wince, but honestly, short stack nearly had me physicaally weeping as my ears were raped.
What is music coming to these days? FOR SHAME!
Paul you are a sick fucking bastard, but you have my vote.
42 kara // Sep 14, 2009 at 6:23 pm
Good God, Paul wins hands down. I could only watch 1 minute of Short Stack before lunging for the pause button. I (as a chick) would take watching broken penises any day.. in fact, it could motivate a little contest to see if it could be repeated?
43 Adam // Sep 14, 2009 at 6:44 pm
Oh my goodness, Luke definitely wins. Definitely. Jeesh. Ouch.
44 Willian! // Sep 14, 2009 at 8:05 pm
Short stack! They win! They are the worst!
Paul wins
45 Cassie // Sep 14, 2009 at 11:04 pm
What pains me is that the Short Stack video will have at least 40 extra views to it’s count on YouTube, causing it to appear more popular. The shame, Verhoeven! The shame!!!
46 Lord Lamington // Sep 15, 2009 at 7:08 am
Paul, on any normal NFF if you had whipped out ‘The Stack’ you would’ve won hands down.
BUT.
The combination of imagining (and seeing) that guy’s love truncheon split open like some devilled sausage, means that Luke gets my vote this week. But it wasn’t just the heinous story that snatched victory – it was the fact it was being told by FUCKING HIPSTERS! What in God’s name was the dude on the left wearing? That shit would make me go soft inside Natalie Portman.
47 ryan leach // Sep 15, 2009 at 8:25 am
Paul wins, the video wouldnt load on the external site, and getting off to a blank video is easier then getting off to short stack
48 AK // Sep 15, 2009 at 1:06 pm
I’m voting for Paul and his Short Stack video… that shit was horrible
49 Wal // Sep 15, 2009 at 5:16 pm
I’m gonna have to vote broken penis… thats just a mental image i really didn’t need
50 BuddyPenis // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:29 pm
One vote broken penis. Yeouch.
51 Maria // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:32 pm
Hands down, broken penis!
52 Tim // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:38 pm
ugh.
ugh.
Paul.
53 Fiona // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:44 pm
I can’t believe something could beat Short Stack, but the broken penis did. I vote for the broken penis.
54 Cathi // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:52 pm
Bleaarrrgghhh.
Ummmppfff.
Paul
Bleaaarrrrghghgh.
EEaaawww.
Wins
55 luke // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:52 pm
C’mon late charge! There is seriously no justice in the universe if Short Stack (offensive as they are) can beat a video about a broken penis that involves the phrase ‘fountain of blood’ and an image of a penis mid-degloving.
56 paul // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm
Luke appears to be a tad desperate.
Penises heal. Your brain will never recover from seeing those flouncing faux-emo nitwits preening and dancing around.
57 felise // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:54 pm
paul wins. the image of those teenage guys arguing over who will get to fuck the giant bunny will haunt me for a long time.
58 Andrew McMillen // Sep 16, 2009 at 2:57 pm
I vote Luke. Andy’s penis story is inspirational.
59 Tiger // Sep 16, 2009 at 3:35 pm
Short Stack sucked my will to live. Paul wins
60 Cathi // Sep 16, 2009 at 3:37 pm
Vomit.
Paul wins
61 Sherbs // Sep 16, 2009 at 4:06 pm
Luke gets my vote.
That video…urgh…there are no words only the need to spew.
62 Jessy // Sep 16, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Luke.
Honestly Paul, Short Stack ARE NOT THAT BAD! How many of you people have even heard any Short Stack songs besides Sway Sway Baby? I have seen Short Stack twice and they are really nice people and good musicians, so all of you need to get over yourselves. I’d like to see you make better music.
63 Lucy // Sep 16, 2009 at 5:32 pm
Luke.
Poor Andy. Poor Penis. Poor My eyes.
64 RazzleDazzle // Sep 16, 2009 at 5:56 pm
Luke definitely has my vote. Now, excuse me while I go vomit…
65 Jen // Sep 16, 2009 at 7:38 pm
Short stack kind of look like the lovely Wesley boys who live next door and peak over/through the fence encouraging my ‘graduate’ fantasies. Adorable. Whereas that penis thing had me lunging for the bathroom before there were even any visuals… and then there were visuals. Luke wins.
66 The Mighty Ginge // Sep 16, 2009 at 8:23 pm
“Short Stack ARE NOT THAT BAD!” Are we talking about the same band? Because I rubbed my balls over a piano just now, and the squeaking/low rumbling sound they made over the finely polished mahogany made better music.
And now I have to go finish myself off with some Bob Dylan and a tambourine…
67 Michael // Sep 16, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Luke’s video caused me so much mental pain my penis decided to permanently shut down thus turning me into a 13 year old bogan scrag who would enjoy giving her 26 year old recently-out-of-jail boyfriend a gobby to Paul’s video.
Luke wins.
68 luke // Sep 17, 2009 at 12:03 am
i… i can’t believe it. i lost. 28-30. short stack are officially worse than the concept of a penis breaking mid-coitus and spraying blood over everything in the near vicinity.
they should put that on their next poster.
69 Willian! // Sep 18, 2009 at 11:11 pm
I actually question the gender of the ‘boys’ in Short Stack
70 Arata // Sep 21, 2009 at 1:14 pm
I actually question the gender of the 'boys' in Suort Stack;
71 Hel // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:50 pm
@luke I think your downfall was that only half the audience had a penis, but they ALL had ears.
72 jack // Oct 2, 2009 at 10:38 am
hi i am hot
73 jack // Oct 2, 2009 at 10:39 am
i on come on fuck me tonight
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