Windows 7 Launch Parties. Oh sweet Jesus.
I know it’s easy to heap scorn on Windows. Too easy most of the time. Hell, after two years of wedded bliss with my Mac, I find trying to use Windows roughly analogous to having six of my fingers stapled to a piano and then trying to play the xylophone. But this is some seriously next level shit here. It’s not even like Windows have gone ‘look we’re never going to be cool, so let’s just do something really daggy instead’. They’re just doing something daggy, but seem to think it’s really cool. I mean, I’m watching these things searching desperately for some trace of self-awareness, some loose sense of irony, but there’s nothing. Just… nothing. Except cringeful awkwardness and multi-coloured balloons. You know those horribly stilted “parties” you attended during High School when you were still really uncool and there were like five people there sharing three Bacardi Breezers and you’d pretend to be smashed so you might have a chance with Sally McPlainface and then you’d kiss her and regret it and have to go home filled with self-loathing and other people’s pity? I’d say they were generally more enjoyable than the prospect of these launch parties.
I only made it through about a minute of each. It’s a bit like watching David Brent in full flight. You spend your time thinking “No. No. Surely not, surely… No!” and withdrawing into yourself like a hermit crab made from pure embarrassment. I just cannot work out what kind of person thought this was going to be a good idea? And who thought this was going to be the best way of communicating this “good idea”? Bringing together a motherly type who looks like she’d be at least 80% passive aggression, a token black guy, a wannabe frat boy and a slightly intimidating suburban housewife and making them pretend that they enjoy each others company due to the miracle of Windows 7. “But that will look awkward!” I’m sure someone must have said. To which they obviously replied “Not if there’s balloons!”. At which point everyone in the board meeting burst into rapturous applause and chaired Mr Balloons out of the room. And I know work is work, but even as an actor I think I would have looked at the script for this and said “No, what you ask for is impossible. No-one can make this look good. No-one. Even if the cast was Dame Judi Dench, Cate Blanchett, Robert Downey Jr and Lt. Daniels from The Wire, this would still not be good. I’d have to live with this for the rest of my life. I can’t do it. I’m going to go dress up as a chicken and sell fast food instead.” Actors. So melodramatic.
So. Anybody here having a Windows 7 Launch Party?
/Luke
19 responses so far ↓
1 John Lacey // Sep 25, 2009 at 12:44 pm
Those videos are so awful. “I did three activities…”
Oh, kill me.
2 Brazen Bec // Sep 25, 2009 at 12:50 pm
I can’t believe it’s not Christian!
3 Bec // Sep 25, 2009 at 12:55 pm
It really seems like they are just asking for the phrase ‘Windows 7′ to be replaced with the word ’sex’, especially with video’s like this- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QBKC7wvU2DE&feature=channel
One of my friends ’scored’ the hosting gig. I am still trying to work out my feelings on that one.
4 brett the pharmacist // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:14 pm
I WAS going to host a party … (each host gets a copy of Windows 7 …. which is apparently going to retail for somewhere between $35,000 for the home edition and $150,000 for a copy of Windows 7 ultimate). But If Luke says it aint cool … it aint cool … and frankly, being a pharmacist, I’m already behind the eight ball in the ‘cool’ stakes. Thank you for showing me the error of my ways and helping me narrowly avoid social leprosy Luke.
5 luke // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:21 pm
@brett: glad to be of assistance. and they say blogs aren’t educational.
6 Adam // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:48 pm
Fully aware that I may be subject to ranting or exclusion (also not havingthe ability to watch the videos because I’m at work), I’ve been using the release candidate for a long time now, and the operating system is strong. Really strong. I mean REALLY f*cking strong. Don’t anyone compare it to Vista, because it’s entirely incomparable. However I also haven’t used a Mac, although I want one purely because synths/keyboards/general electronic instruments seem to work nicer and be more stable on a Mac. I just don’t really want to fork out the money for a Mac book pro when I’ll probably be in an orientation of awekwardness and frustration during the learning period.
7 luke // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:52 pm
@Adam: oh, the actual strength of the operating system is not in question. i’m sure/hope they’ve learned plenty from the Vista apocalypse. but awesome OS or not, these ads are the naffest things i have ever seen.
8 Adam // Sep 25, 2009 at 2:58 pm
Jeez you guys reply about as fast as the Power Rangers respond to world crisis. as if there’s a spinning red light with an emergency bell. Ahh I can picture it in my head now. but seriously, I’ll watch the vids when I get home, if I remember, then repost.
9 Pinky // Sep 25, 2009 at 3:34 pm
They are so lame it can only be intentional. You posted, I re-posted – MS 1, People 0.
I must have missed the Vista Apocalypse because I’m a lover not a hater. And I’m a technical user and gamer as well, so it’s not like I’m somehow missing what’s wrong with the system. UAC not really a complaint, you can turn it off. Other than that, hit me with a real Vista problem.
10 luke // Sep 25, 2009 at 3:40 pm
Maybe it chilled out as time went on, but I just remember a friend who had bought a brand new laptop shortly after Vista was released, but the computer was nigh on unusable because Vista used so much processing power. It probably worked fine for high end users, but it was a very alienating experience for those with less intensive needs/hardware…
11 dave // Sep 25, 2009 at 6:39 pm
Those party goers are not drinking nearly enough. I would require some kind of cranial absinthe infusion to be able to endure a demonstration of the latest developments in task bar technology.
12 Pinky // Sep 25, 2009 at 7:28 pm
Yeah luke, you’re probs right there.
+1 for cranial absinthe infusion. PM your supplier too please.
13 blotto // Sep 25, 2009 at 11:07 pm
Im a windows user and i always thought mac users were a bunch of pretentious wank biscuits but after these videos i think i might buy a mac cause i would rather be a pretentious wank biscuit than what ever these people are.
14 Taylor // Sep 26, 2009 at 12:30 am
LOL! Like a bunch of Power Rangers…love it.
These videos are some kinda…well, some kinda WTF?!
I grew up on Macs, switched to PCs for price, still there. Maybe when my current laptop dies I’ll switch back.
15 manchux // Sep 26, 2009 at 2:40 pm
sure, those videos are pretty cringeworthy but if you want to talk about hermit crabs “made from pure embarrassment watch this video of Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer doing a skit based on “A Night At the Roxbury”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IY2j_GPIqRA
16 Kia // Sep 28, 2009 at 3:17 pm
I’m a MS all the freaking way. If anyone remembers X-Tree Gold from pre-windows days… that’s where I started on a computer at age 3. I played my little game where you had to pick boxes up with a truck and put them on the other platform… Then I got windows 3.1 and I was stoked! I could change my background to pink, I could still be in dos, watch Hackers with Angelina Jolie then type random stuff next to the C/: thing like “dir” and pretend I was hacking something… I could write novels in my ample spare time using word – my first book was “published” in my primary school library – a not very well plagiarized version of Thumbelina where the Characters names were Jacen and Jaina – stolen from Han Solo & Leia’s kids names… Then I got MSN and made friends in High School that I wouldn’t have other wise on account of having strict parents. I accidentally downloaded my first pornographic content in MS Cartoon chat at the age of 14. Then managed to sustain a long-distance relationship on-line until I could finish school and move to the Gold Coast and marry the bastard (which I totally did!) . But aside from my AWESOME lifes story, I grew up practically living in windows. I haven’t been perfect, MS hasn’t been perfect but we still love each other and I’ll remain faithful… so long as it’s available on Bit Torrent.
17 Dan // Sep 29, 2009 at 7:16 am
Frankly, I’m impressed that you made it to the one minute mark. I barely made it 20 seconds in before i found the thing so horrifyingly cringe-worthy I had to run and take a shower. Those videos are a train wreck; and not the “its so terrible, i can’t look away” kind.
18 alexia // Oct 2, 2009 at 6:47 pm
I’m with Dan… I was hiding my face behind my hands peering through my open fingers trying to watch those videos.. sweet jesus
19 Fisty // Oct 14, 2009 at 9:56 pm
Sick. I can’t get enough of people nodding in agreement. I especially enjoyed the Van Wilder character comparing the goings-on to that of ‘any good party’. I’ll be well sure to print out a host agenda next time as it helps maximise the time in which we can have wicked fun.
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