Wow. It’s hard to believe we’ve already had four No Fuck Fridays. And it’s hard to believe that I’ve won nearly all of them, and quite convincingly too. Yes sir, it’s nice to know there’s something I’m good at. Mum will be so proud.
Let’s cast our eyes back on the four weeks of fun, frivolity and unfuckability we’ve witnessed to date. Week one taught us that an erotically dancing Teuton named ‘C**t Smasher’ was marginally less sexable than a scantily latex clad hippie dance routine. Week two proved that having overgrown talking animals singing to us about the joys of sex was less of a turn on than a trio of singularly talentless teenagers from the 1960s singing to us about their pal Foot Foot. Week three was the week of fat men and food, with a video of a colossally obese man eating pizza rolls for four engrossing and amplified minutes being pitted against The Merrill Howard Kalin Show, which is about as ethically challenging as humourous videos on the Internet get. The pizza rolls won. And finally we had week four where a nerd talking about recycling his own sperm and wearing adult diapers while being spanked triumphed over a montage of horrifically violent scenes from the movie Lik Wong.
As you can see, it’s been an edifying few weeks.
But week four left on somewhat of a cliff-hanger: how was Paul to be punished for losing yet again in this most august of competitions? I racked my brains for something appropriate. It was a tough task, I tell you. I really, really enjoyed kicking Paul into the Yarra and, for all our benefits, I thought anything we settled upon needed to top that. And then it hit me: tram chicken. But not your good ol’ fashioned ‘I’m 13 and I’m invincible’ tram chicken. No. This had to be something more sophisticated. This was to be ‘I’m 26 and dressed up as Gandalf the White, pretending the tram is an onrushing Balrog and bellowing “YOU SHALL NOT PASS” in the middle of a crowded Melbourne street’ tram chicken. And that’s what he has to do. He has to bring the tram to a stop, yell the sacred words and then stay there until the tram driver makes some effort to remove him. At which point he pissbolts.
This is going to be soooooooo sweet.
And Paul, some sage advice for you out there on the tram tracks from the man himself:
No Fuck Friday will be back next week. Get some action while you still can.
Paul: Ok. So myself, Luke and some friends are sitting drinking at a lovely venue on Brunswick street about a week ago. At this stage, none of us were sure how to handle the punishment dilemma, as all the ideas we’d come up with were in some way violent or damaging, and I was reluctant to participate in any of these, given that I’d previously been dumped in the Yarra and been subjected to toxin levels capable of making my hair bleed. One of the boys stumbled upon the idea of my having to stand in front of a tram, and not leave until someone tried to remove me. We all adored this. Then, I said “hey… what if I dressed as Braveheart and held a spear, and bellowed HOLD… HOLD…”, and we all cackled. Then, I told everyone to shut up. I cleared my throat and said “one word. Gandalf. YOU! SHALL! NOT! PASS!” and we all threw up on the table, which is what happens when a really good idea is born. So that’s what I have to do. For submitting the inferior unfuckable video, I have to dress up as Tramdalf and have a showdown on Bourke street this weekend. I can’t wait.
/Luke and Paul
11 responses so far ↓
1 brendon // Jul 3, 2009 at 11:54 am
But it was Galdalf the Grey who said that…
At least give Paul a staff that he can slam down.
2 alexia // Jul 3, 2009 at 11:58 am
can’t wait to see this.
3 Luke // Jul 3, 2009 at 12:15 pm
funnily enough i actually knew that re. gandalf the grey, but i think i like the idea of a pristine white gandalf facing down the tram. i might leave it up to paul though…
4 Kia // Jul 3, 2009 at 12:27 pm
Awesome idea! I so can’t wait to see it!! I really hope the tram stops or you might have PaulPancakes for brekky Saturday morning… Mmmm, pancakes… Stuff Korean, I think I’ll have pancakes for lunch! http://www.aztecmontezuma.com.au/pancakes.html Yeah, that’s like right next to where I work baby…
Maybe someone could light the tram on fire so it resembles the Balrog…
5 Aqualec // Jul 3, 2009 at 12:43 pm
lol this is going be Hilarious! Can’t wait to see it!
6 beckoning_ // Jul 3, 2009 at 1:50 pm
Haha, you know how much those drivers love to ding those tram bells… will be ringing in your wizard ears for weeks.
If you pull this off I hope there will be a knighting ceremony afterwards.
7 Cassie // Jul 3, 2009 at 6:48 pm
Kudos on the Tramdalf photoshopping, and idea in it’s entirety-I look forward to the footage!
8 Alex // Jul 3, 2009 at 9:03 pm
lol i like the idea, however upon consulting with my housemate (hes a former tram diver) he seems to think this is a bad idea, apparently some drivers are soulless monsters and will push u out of the way. with the tram…. also paul, back on the mathnet post the guy who cracked the shits about u sayin math is my little bro. his spelling error is made funnier by the fact he goes to Mentone Grammar. if u wont to see him at work http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZ6Y7FyrJEY
9 Taylor // Jul 4, 2009 at 1:16 am
Phwoar! Now, this! This has potential! Great potential…mind you, that’s potential to either be insanely awesome and get you on the news, get you run over and get you on the news, or get you arrested and on the news.
Now, if the cops come…run around and whoever videotapes it will have to set it to double speed and cue the Benny Hill music.
It’s a win either way!
10 Hamish // Jul 5, 2009 at 9:56 am
A Melbourne man was killed today after being struck by a tram in Bourke Street Mall. Witnesses say that the apparently emotionally disturbed gentleman who was dressed in a dirty bathrobe and armed with a broom appeared to step deliberately into the path of the oncoming tram and yell “The Mall, for cars!”.
The driver of the eastbound 86 tram, whom sources say was distracted by a pornographic magazine, did not notice the man until it was too late and was unable to apply the vehicle’s brakes. The man panicked, tripped over his own robe, and ran naked into the path of the westbound 86 tram and killed.
Police say that the man would not have died instantly, and are questioning the driver as to why he did not notice the screaming until the tram stopped at King Street.
In related news, local police are advising Melbourne drivers to be aware of and practice caution around a long red streak of “biological waste” in the central CBD’ which is expected to exist until Thursday.
11 NotHisRealName // Jul 6, 2009 at 3:04 pm
I feel like I’m the only one thinking that this is a bad idea. …aside from Alex’s housemate.
Maybe I’m just too boring, but playing chicken with a few ton of metal sounds like an obituary waiting to be written.
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