With season one of No Fuck Friday coming to an abrupt end three weeks ago, with myself well and truly in the lead (let’s be frank: it was a shitmixing, Paul), The Somewhat Ambitious have been using the off-season to rest, refocus and ready ourselves for the revolting return of the repugnant retinue of repellence that is No Fuck Friday.
Sometimes, when I alliterate, I hate myself.
If you are still unfamiliar with the ground rules of NFF, well, imagine that you’re in a darkened room with your special lady/slab of man. Things are starting to heat up a little. Hands are everywhere, clothes are being discarded, you can hear what sounds like a spoon being jammed repeatedly into a tub full of natural yoghurt (seriously, try it, the sound is amazing). Yeah, everything is going pretty well. Yoghurt. Then, suddenly BAM! The lights flick on and there’s Paul and I in the corner, each holding a laptop on which sits a video, ready to play. Before you can ask any pertinent questions like “who the fuck are you?” or “what the fuck are you doing in our room, you perverts?”, the videos begin to roll. First one, and then the other. You’re horrified, yet you cannot look away. It’s rough. The question No Fuck Friday asks of you is: which of those videos is going to make it harder to get back to doing the “dirty” with your special man/slab of lady? And no, you can’t say the mere presence of two strange men with laptops in your bedroom is the worst, you have to pick one of the videos. Them’s the rules. And then when you make your decision the loser gets punished in some comic, unpleasant and videotaped way. And then we leave you be. Enjoy your evening.
So, basically: watch the videos, pick which one is more sexually challenging, then place your vote in the comments. We’ll do the rest.
This week we thought we’d split the prospective punishments to make them a little more apt.
If Paul wins, then I have to eat a whole (small) tin of tuna. Which may not really sound like much, but I hate seafood more than I hate Nazis, and last time I tried to eat a sliver of tuna, two years ago, I dry retched and had to chase it with a litre of water. A whole (small) tin would be… visceral.
If I win, then on the next Nerds of a Feather Paul has to cover this story about the recently passed My Little Pony Festival in Vegas, and whilst doing so has to confess to having an extensive collection of My Little Ponies that he’s been collecting since the age of 12. His favourite is Sweetie Belle.
And now, the main event. Begin!
Luke: I’m changing shit up a bit with my video. Enough of the unending stream of horror and cruelty we’ve witnessed so far. I’m taking NFF back to where it all began: videos that you just could not possibly have sex to. Which is why I have selected this absolutely brain-meltingly adorable video of a three year old Chinese girl singing. Seriously, look at her. How cute, how innocent, how lovely. Now imagine she’s looking at you. Hairy, sweating, hunched over, about to go hammer and tongs at somebody that a beautiful little girl like that would probably refer to as ‘mummy’. And you still want to have sex? How could you possibly do that to her? How? You monster.
Paul: Frankly, I feel that fucking is something you do when you’re aroused. “But Paul”, I hear you saying to yourself, halfway into the process of removing the undergraments from a gorgeous individual, “that’s just obvious. Stop being such a charmingly obvious bastard”. Ahh, yes, I’m being obvious. But sometimes, being obvious is the best way to make a point. Take my entry for this No Fuck Friday. I won’t tell you anything about it, because I don’t want to sully it. Sufficed to say, I’m keeping things simple this week. Simple, obvious, and eminently unfuck-to-able. Which isn’t a word, but neither is “splenge”. Enjoy.
/Paul and Luke
51 responses so far ↓
1 Erin // Jul 10, 2009 at 6:15 pm
ooooooooohhhhhh. jesus.
I vote Paul the winner.
That upchuck took me by surprise.
One could easily say after the asian child:
“Cute.. Lets make babies?”
Or something to that effect.
2 Andy // Jul 10, 2009 at 6:30 pm
Paul, you win hands (pants) down this week. I want to hurl
3 Metrac // Jul 10, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I agree with Erin. A very hard decision though.
4 Jake // Jul 10, 2009 at 6:37 pm
Luke’s cutesy cantopop doesn’t quite compare to Paul’s twenty second offering of rushed sex, the unexpected upchuck and then the off-putting taste test
I vote Paul
5 manchux // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:00 pm
i think i might change my home page to “Manchux” and then that video.
6 Tim // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:09 pm
Paul wins, i was not expecting that at all, god damn!
7 PPMKatie // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:14 pm
The dogs were gross. Congrats Paul, you win. Really glad I haven’t eaten yet….
8 Shannon // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:15 pm
Paul’s got my vote.
9 Peta // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:17 pm
wow – short sweet and incredibly libido-crushing.
Paul you win it. For 15 seconds there I was thinking – comeon Paul, we’ve seen own-cum-dumping diaper wearers, intellectually disabled jelly makers and you give me dogs fucking?..
…and then it puked. That’s gold. Though the thought of not giving it to Luke seems slightly paedophillic, I gotta give credit where it’s due.
Instead I’ll just submit the little girl as my abc 3 application.
10 luke // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:21 pm
well, that’s what you get for trying to buck the trend. next week – vomit swapping: a retrospective.
is there anyone out there who’s not a little put off by the concept of having sex while an adorable chinese toddler serenades you?
11 paul // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:37 pm
@luke: Man, I tried bucking a couple of times. Didn’t work out too well for me.
Also, that Chinese toddler is HOT!
Kidding.
OR AM I?
Yes.
12 The Mighty Ginge // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:53 pm
Paul hands down – anyone who sings Karaoke deserves to be fucked in front of (5 year old or not).
Add to that the unexpected dog spew and the follow-up sniff and lick, and we have a clear winner.
And to think I was looking forward to hearing all about Paul’s roller-waitress pony fantasies
13 Fi // Jul 10, 2009 at 7:55 pm
I vote for… Paul.
Although I would quite like to hear him confess to owning a My Little Pony collection. I myself own the ORIGINAL My Little Pony computer game, we should get together some time and I’ll lend it to you! I’m sure as hell not using it.
14 Shel // Jul 10, 2009 at 8:13 pm
I vote Paul.
Ugly dogs and dog vomit very good for ruining the mood!
I see the angle you were trying to pitch Luke… Just not gonna cut it tho…
15 ryan leach // Jul 10, 2009 at 9:36 pm
sorry, id rather listen to paul make fun of himself, then luke eat tuna but paul wins, when do we get to see tramdalf the video?
16 paul // Jul 10, 2009 at 9:46 pm
Maybe I’ll be a good sport and confess anyway, Fi. My sis and I went through a bit of a My Little Pony/Rainbow Brite/Strawberry Shortcake phase, so I wouldn’t squirm all that much.
17 Taylor // Jul 11, 2009 at 1:09 am
Ah, Paul, you charmingly obvious bastard! I, too, recall the Rainbow Brite days…not as slutty as Penny from Inspector Gadget, tho.
Anyway! Yeah, Paul is an easy win this week. Sorry Luke, but maybe if it was a shirtless 75 year old Japanese fella trying to sing like a cute 3 year old Chinese girl, you might have provided some competition.
But props to you for trying to switch it up. However, win to Paul for making me wish I’d not had brekkie yet.
18 Elyce // Jul 11, 2009 at 1:33 am
Paul wins. Any song where the lyrics try and get all suggestive makes me want to rebel through celibacy. Oh, and the vomiting wasn’t all that arousing either.
19 Cassie // Jul 11, 2009 at 2:29 am
Oh dear. Luke’s been pwnd…I’m going to have vote for Paul too, the Upchuck Fuck was slightly more off-putting. Enjoy your tuna Luke.
20 luke // Jul 11, 2009 at 11:06 am
15-0. this will take quite the comeback. not that i want to accuse everybody in this thread of paedophilia or anything, but… i can’t think of a way to finish that sentence.
21 Nerdgasm // Jul 11, 2009 at 11:16 am
Paul. Paul all the way.
I’d feel guilty about having sex in front of the little girl, but my penis would actively unerect itself in the face of the dog sex-vomit. It would unerect itself so far I’d have an innie for a day or so, and it could only be coaxed out with liberal application of pornography.
22 beckoning_ // Jul 11, 2009 at 12:01 pm
Sorry Luke but that little girl singing was too Disney for me and we all know how romantic those cartoons were. Plus some of those princesses are smoking. I’m only thinking about these things now to get vomit taste out of my mouth.
Perhaps you should use Pony as the soundtrack to your tuna eating clip. It would have the same ending as Pauls video
23 John // Jul 11, 2009 at 2:33 pm
Paul, you win pants down, the thought of creatures other than humans having sex makes me puke…!
24 Anthony // Jul 11, 2009 at 3:16 pm
I feel bad on the inside… Ahhh…
Paul wins, that is all…
25 Steven Lewis // Jul 11, 2009 at 6:01 pm
Eat up, Luke.
26 Jack Lewis // Jul 11, 2009 at 6:02 pm
I vote for Paul.
27 Fleur Herrington // Jul 11, 2009 at 6:03 pm
The dogs were truly disgusting. I vote Paul, Paul, Paul. Tuna it is, Luke.
28 Steven Lewis // Jul 11, 2009 at 6:03 pm
Is it wrong that I made viewing NFF a family event? Just taking Jack through the back catalogue now.
29 Dalyn // Jul 11, 2009 at 8:30 pm
paul by a mile. although the trend bucking theory was solid, and had the little girl come up against merryl howard kalin it would definately have worked but the dogs-fuck-till-they-spew action is nigh untoppable (a gauntlet has been thrown)
30 Walet // Jul 11, 2009 at 10:38 pm
Paul…. vomiting dog sex holy crapshit!
31 alex // Jul 12, 2009 at 9:27 am
damn paul u win. last time i ever take part in nff woth a hangover…..
32 alex // Jul 12, 2009 at 9:27 am
or try spelling with a hangover…. im going back to bed
33 Tom // Jul 12, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Yeah… umm Paul’s was far and away the toughest this week…
34 bec // Jul 12, 2009 at 2:45 pm
paul, you win. small asian child is disturbing, but nowhere near as disgusting as upchuck fuck.
good luck with the tuna, luke!
35 Billie // Jul 12, 2009 at 7:08 pm
I’m sorry Luke, I don’t want you to have to suffer through a tuna incident, but the vomiting dog has ruined my libido (And appetite. And eyes.) forever.
36 pd // Jul 12, 2009 at 7:37 pm
my vote is for paul….
simple, quick and as expected a payout in the end!
37 d // Jul 12, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Luke, I appreciate your attempt to go with a different angle, but Paul wins. I do prefer this style to the violence and gore of the previous round. Well played gents.
38 Aqualec // Jul 13, 2009 at 9:13 am
Sorry luke, Paul wins this time round. The clip with the dog is too horrifying
39 Samoan Joe // Jul 13, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Paul gets my vote. Dog sex followed by vomit andd taste test is just not cool.
On the subject of Lukes video, the only way that could have been unfuckable is because of the explanation that you put in at the beginning. FOR SHAME! Let the video do the talking brother
Paul wins my vote this week.
40 Samoan Joe // Jul 13, 2009 at 12:51 pm
….Though it would have been awesome to hear Paul suffer through My little pony on NErds Of A Feather….
41 Hel // Jul 13, 2009 at 2:38 pm
Yep. Paul’s wins.
Sure you’d feel bad about having sex infront of the kid. But that doesn’t mean you can’t.
Two dogs= No Sex For Hel.
42 regina // Jul 13, 2009 at 2:39 pm
paul wins. and was that tuna spewing liberally out of the dog on top? oh, i’m so glad i decided to have a quick look at this in my lunch hour…..
43 Adam // Jul 13, 2009 at 4:01 pm
Well, let me be the first. You have my vote Luke, not because I don’t think that Paul’s is wrong, but because I frequent a particular site (that I’m not aloud to mention for fear of breaking the first two rules) where that video is childs play and therefore gross out things like that don’t really throw me off. You, on the other hand, make a point about the paedophilia side of things. I just can’t shake that image.
That all being said, i still can’t watch the whole 2G1C video.
44 Jonny // Jul 13, 2009 at 4:41 pm
Video of Luke eating tuna incoming then?
Luke can then use THAT video for the next NFF.
45 Xoe // Jul 13, 2009 at 5:01 pm
Paul wins…sorry but spontaneous projectile vomit during rabid dog sex is just so wrong…almost enough to put u off sex for a loooong time! (vomit)
46 soph // Jul 13, 2009 at 8:26 pm
christ i want to vote for you luke, but at this point not only is it futile but just bloody embarrassing. plus coincidentally (and i swear i shit you not) my dog was humping his bed (as he is often want to do on a chilly monday eve) whilst i played NFF. little asian girl possibly energised him (who’s to say?) but even he stopped when paul’s video came on…
so sorry. paul wins.
47 bronte // Jul 14, 2009 at 12:27 am
So sorry Luke, first milk now tuna *yuck* but the surprise vomit aspect just clinched it for Paul this week
48 Amy // Jul 14, 2009 at 1:43 pm
Paul wins, despite me seeing the video before.
Geeze, that video of the Chinese girl just started the timer on my womb.
49 Kia // Jul 14, 2009 at 2:35 pm
Woot! I have a phobia of vomit and spent 10 minutes hyperventilating in panic after that dog video!!! Forget fucking, couldn’t even breath!
KO LUKE – PAUL WINS! Eat tuna biach!
PS: Glad you’re okay after surgery!!
50 ray // Jul 14, 2009 at 5:55 pm
hahaha! paul for sure.
51 Lady P // Jul 15, 2009 at 12:16 am
Paul wins.. I feel ill
Leave a Comment