I’ve only done this once before, so bear with me.
I just woke up from a dream. It began (I think) with a guy on Twitter (ash something, if I recall) writing a hugely inflammatory blog post about my top ten films of all time list. You see, it turns out Michael Gambon was running a top 100 films awards thingie at a massive arthouse cinema, and I’d done a blog post here with my top ten films. This Ash guy, who as it happens was a total douche-wagon, proceeded to chew me out with all thegrammatical verbosity and proclivity of a concussed toddler in a darkened room, and I was so incensed that I decided to go to the awards ceremony and see what Gambon thought.
Cut to the awards. Luke, Manchux and myself are in the audience, along with thousands of others. Gambon began cycling through numbers 50 to 40, and my dream pretty much turned into a genial discussion with the boys about which films we enjoyed, which ones we thought deserved their places, and so forth. Here’s where it got weird. Luke piped up and said “I bet you I can place 39th”. We laughed, until he pulled his “secret weapon” out of a satchel: one of those black plastic bowls hairdressers use to mix hair dye in. And some clear plastic chopsticks. As if on cue, Gambon proclaimed “and now… for 39!”, and with that, Luke stood up and made his way down to the stage.
Everyone went quiet.
Luke proceeded to stand up, in front of thousands of people, and justify why he should place 39th. Bearing in mind that Luke isn’t a film, but a writer and comedian with a limp. His justification was labyrinthine and endlessly complex, the gist being that as he was a character in a dream, and that dreams, being memories of sorts were much like celluloid in that they “both fleet past our waking minds and eyes with just as much permanence as one another in the end”, and that as he had cancer, his “film” was even more transitory in nature. Manchux was crying, the audience were crying, and Gambon started a slow clap. Everyone was overcome except for me, as I’d noticed he’d left his chopsticks under his seat. So I started yelling “FRAUD! HE’S A FRAUD!” and was drowned out by applause.
So congratulations, Luke. According to Dumbledore himself, you are the 39th best film ever made.
/Paul
9 responses so far ↓
1 beckoning_ // Jul 10, 2009 at 4:49 pm
If you made a movie out of this story it would place in the top 20 at least.
@Luke Congrats! I hope you had speech notes prepared.
2 Amy // Jul 10, 2009 at 4:57 pm
That’s fantastic. There have been a run of fantastic dreams recently.
Though mine was totally stupid. A well known improviser around these parts was forcibly hitting on me (aka: molestation) and everyone in the room was getting mad at ME because he is married and has a baby. I was more mad about the fact that he was trying to stick his fingers up my ass. A random trip down some halls Ghostbusters style lead me to finding a Transgendered bathroom.
Outside some party house another improviser told me that Mr. Molester was at Sean Astin’s house. As in Rudy, Sam-wise, Goonie’s Sean Astin. I didn’t think of this as odd… in fact, I knew exactly where his house was. I thought real hard about the directions until I realized it was in another city. End of dream.
Stop fucking namedropping, Dream.
3 James // Jul 10, 2009 at 5:04 pm
Less a dream, more a terrifying vision of the spiraling doom of mankind.
4 blotto // Jul 10, 2009 at 5:35 pm
definitely a dream for the books.
Like mine the other day about Lobos the partying lamb who got denied entry into the park life festival so we decided to go clubbing insted.
5 Cassie // Jul 11, 2009 at 2:15 am
Uh, what?
I had a dream I was meant to perform at a Tina Arena tribute concert
No kidding.
6 Cait // Jul 11, 2009 at 10:06 pm
I once had a dream I was a mattress, but I didn’t know. And people kept lying on me and falling asleep and I was getting creeped out so I said to a man “what are you doing? get off me!” and he said “you’re a fucking mattress! shut the fuck up and let me sleep!”
i’ve also dreamed i was a piece of bread. in a toaster. then someone ate me.
7 luke // Jul 12, 2009 at 4:25 pm
39th best film of all time?! it’s what i always dreamed of… or you dreamed of… i’m confused.
8 Kia // Jul 14, 2009 at 2:40 pm
I had a dream I was best friends with Britney Spears and she asked me to go with her on tour and hang out in her trailer. I also had a fever dream when I had swine flu that little tiny fairies with potatoe heads were inventing things around my head and they actually kept me awake cause I was so excited by the things they were inventing.
9 Willian! // Jul 17, 2009 at 10:37 pm
I recently had a really vivid and really terrifying dream in which there was a third world war, and Nazis took over again. I managed to hide from them for a few days or a few hours (my time perception was skewed in the dream) before they found me and forced me out where I was shot down and joined my grandpa in an afterlife like neither heaven nor hell.
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