Far be it from me to criticise Stephanie Meyer…
What am I saying. It’s right up my alley. If Dan Brown were a pulsing, sweltering carrion bird, infected with every manner of plague imaginable, Stephanie Meyer would be the deer-tick lodged in his bowels. If I were sent to see Twilight at the movies, I’d conclude the experience by dashing my brains out on the exit sign, on account of the fact that a brainhemorrhage would be preferable to a thinly-veiled propaganda film by a cromulent Mormon bint who feels that sex should have all the sensual appeal of shaking hands with a corpse.
…And that, my friends, is how to be hyperbolic. So why am I beating the dead horse that is the Twilight franchise, apart from the fact that said expired equine ghoul appears to be walking around and sticking it’s dick into the brains of teenagers? I’ll tell you, shall I?
Twilight: The MMORPG. And no, this isn’t a joke.
It’ll be like warcraft, only with swathes of sexless vampires, hordes of crying teenagers, and a soundtrack provided by My Chemical Romance and Linkin Park. You can play a crying vampire, or a crying non-vampire. The combat system is largely pout-based, and basically every piece of loot is a love letter, it’s ink smudged by tears over a love that was never meant to be.
I’d rather play Hello Kitty online. Or spay myself, it’s really much of a muchness.
/Paul
(Link via Massively.com)
26 responses so far ↓
1 Aqualec // Jul 29, 2009 at 9:45 am
Hello Kitty has more Balls than everyone in Twilight
2 luke // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:06 am
i still can’t believe they have the second film coming out in november. now there is the roll out strategy of a franchise that realises it has the medium to long term legs of a double amputee.
3 Cassie // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:36 am
A Twilight MMORPG?!? This is one of the signs of the apocalypse, right…?
4 beckoning_ // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:39 am
Huh… so there isnt a god after all.
5 Peta // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:40 am
Please please please tell you can play this woman as a character… please! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MLvNGZjMt8I
6 SirWulfric // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:45 am
A little bit of me just died inside. Hello Kitty MMORPG isn’t helping much. Hmmmm, erotic vampire Hello Kitty could work though (frankly rather surprised this hasn’t happened yet, I mean I found “salmon egg hello kitty’ and ‘dried squid hello kitty’ when I was in Japan. Salmon Egg Hello Kitty resembles a severed testicle with eyes)
7 SirWulfric // Jul 29, 2009 at 10:46 am
And an adorable red ribbon on it’s fleshy head.
8 Handles // Jul 29, 2009 at 11:31 am
Its always a pleasant surprise to see the word “cromulent” in use. Ive no idea what it means in the above context, though Im sure its a perfectly cromulent usage.
9 blotto // Jul 29, 2009 at 12:03 pm
one must see this as perfect marketing no matter how painfully evil and vomit inducing it really is. there is already a world full of teenage boys glued to there computers and that is azeroth, so who ever came up with the idea to hit the female side of the market with this is going to be very rich regardless of how bad the game is and how much they should be shot.
10 musebreakz // Jul 29, 2009 at 12:15 pm
eeeew……
i sort of almost feel sorry for any parents who have to put up with constant talk of twilight movies and now buying this game…. their fault for having kids though…
11 Taylor // Jul 29, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Paul, in as much as one straight man can say this…I love you. Really, I fucking love you! That was just the most amazing, inspiring, and accurate description of Stephanie Meyer ever! Dare I say, EVAR! No, I dare not.
If you wrote an entire book like you just wrote this post, I’d be first in line to buy it. Charge what you want for it, I’d fork it over.
You. Freakin. Rock!
12 Tim // Jul 29, 2009 at 2:39 pm
You mean a soundtrack that includes Thom Yorke and Bon Iver: http://stereogum.com/archives/thom-yorke-bon-iver-write-songs-for-twilight-2_081171.html
13 Wendebular // Jul 29, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Thankfully Paul has words to describe these depths of horror that I didn’t think existed in the world, because I have none.
14 Josh // Jul 29, 2009 at 4:55 pm
[Raid] [Chaosfury] Ok, xdarknessx is the MT, make sure you turn Shade of Edward away from the rest of the raid to avoid the cleaves. Groups 3-5 are ranged dps, you’re on add patrol until the end of phase 2, 1-2 stay on SoE, but make sure your spread out when he does the emote for Shadow Void, otherwise we wipe and I hate you .
[Raid] [Edwdculln] omg this is boring wen will we c the 4real edward lol
[Raid] [Wolflol] hay guise im a werewulf rawr lol
[Raid] [Iluvjacob] u guys r so immature ur runining the books
[Raid] [Edwârd] any1 4 sexes chat?
Chaosfury has left the guild
Edwârd whispers: r u 4 sexes chat?
15 beckoning_ // Jul 29, 2009 at 5:10 pm
@musebreakz
I feel sorry for the kids! All the grown women/mums/wives at my work seem to be infected by all this twilight twat. They should know better.
16 Wendebular // Jul 29, 2009 at 5:48 pm
http://tinyurl.com/mtk4fr
“Twihard” is the best made-up word I’ve heard all day.
17 musebreakz // Jul 29, 2009 at 9:43 pm
@beckoning
did not know it had gone that far – that’s just very wrong
18 luke // Jul 30, 2009 at 1:24 am
@Josh: so good
19 Carly K // Jul 30, 2009 at 5:40 am
My friend has offered me the books to read……are they not worth it then?
20 Aqualec // Jul 30, 2009 at 10:14 am
The webcomics have already started http://www.ctrlaltdel-online.com/sillies.php?d=20090728
21 beckoning_ // Jul 30, 2009 at 4:37 pm
http://www.taintedsong.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/11/twilight-toilet.jpg
22 Cassie // Jul 31, 2009 at 12:13 am
@Carly K read the books if you please, mind you you’ll do best to avoid any dialogue or though pattern of Bella (aka whiny teenager whom book is entirely based around). Reading the Twilight saga is the tween equivalent to Mills&Boon. With more whiny teens.
23 Aqualec // Jul 31, 2009 at 4:10 pm
http://www.ebaumsworld.com/pictures/view/80701829/
24 Jack // Aug 1, 2009 at 10:48 pm
girls just like the idea of dickin’ a dead guy
25 Matty // Aug 11, 2009 at 2:05 pm
Stephanie Meyer gains Joseph Smith Jr.’s [Aura of Sexual Repression]
Stephanie Meyer’s [Repressed midlife fantasy] hits General Populace for 400 000 Morally Reprehensible damage (Critical)
Stephanie Meyer recieves item [Twilight]
26 Maria // Oct 26, 2009 at 7:57 am
The end is nigh!
The twilighter’s will take over the world!
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