Probably the hottest photo ever. And what better way to kick of the third edition of NO FUCK FRIDAY! Last week, it was almost a dead heat between my christian music video about babies, and Luke with his track My Pal Foot Foot by The Shaggs. I won, but that doesn’t mean this week will go the same way. In fact, having seen Lukes entry, it very likely won’t.
For those of you new to this segment, Luke and I compete every Friday to present the least sexually appealing video. Namely, the video you’d find it hardest to fuck to wins, and the loser gets something horrible done to them on camera. I believe the loser this week gets baptized in the Yarra which, for our overseas readers, is a stretch of muddy water composed largely of semen and dead babies. So as you can imagine, the stakes are pretty high. After the jump, you can see for yourself what Luke and I are bringing to the table…
…of FUCK.
Luke: The best part about my video, which in the style of the great masters of art I call ‘Man With Pizza Rolls’, is the way in which it actually takes a couple of minutes for the true horror of it all to unfold. And even then it’s not anything massive that gets you. It’s not a jarring moment, or an exercise in creepiness. Hell, for the first minute or so the video seems tolerable, perhaps even innocuous. But, much like the rape scene in Irreversible, if the accumulated weight of these smackings and grunts and wheezes and sighs don’t haunt your dreams for days, then I presume you are in fact Jesse Herd, and those sounds are an unavoidable fact of your day to day existence. For best effect watch with the sound turned right up.
Paul: I had some pretty serious misgivings about my entry this week. It’s been a pretty quiet week as far as repugnant video goes, and it took a fair bit of looking to come up with this gem. In fact, gem really isn’t the right word. This isn’t a gem. In the states, and to a lesser degree, here, there’s something called public access. The public means “anyone”. “Anyone” can include Christians in bad cardigans, farmers with teeth like shards of glass, rapists in bad cardigans which they themselves knitted, or those who are, in all likleyhood, clinically retarded. Sadly, in this case, that is an accurate description of the host in question. He is clinically retarded. If you can maintain an erection thoughout this video, not only are you a fundamentally bad person, but probably need to look into voluntary psychiatric care. Good luck. Oh, and don’t vote until you’ve seen the entire video.
Those are both fairly shitfuck mental.
Remember: voting for No Fuck Friday 3 finishes next Wednesday night, and the much anticipated milkboarding will be filmed tomorrow. There’s also lots of stuff coming up here at The Somewhat Ambitious over the next week, including:
- The new podcast! I promise!
- Luke gets nailed to a tree, JESUS STYLE!
- The middle east declares peace! Here, as an exclusive story!
- ANTS!
Get those votes in, guys. It’s the only way to prove you’re a good, churchgoing youth.
/Paul and Luke
53 responses so far ↓
1 Nerd // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:12 pm
I vote for pizza rolls, I think watching it has lessened my will to live.
2 Luke // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:12 pm
Pizza rolls.
I think I’m gonna be sick….
3 Hel // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:16 pm
I love that fat chef had to stop for a drink after 30 seconds, but the clip doesn’t do much except put me off chicken.
Fat guy eating pizza rolls puts me of LIVING.
I vote Luke’s.
4 Taylor // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:17 pm
Shit guys, you’ve made this a close one!! Either a guy who starts breathing heavy just by lifting a tray of pizza rolls or a kid with down syndrome and a three-name name (let’s call him Mongo, for short) who likes to mash lettuce and impersonate real chefs.
Oh god! And pour the thick, white, creamy ranch out onto the salad…he sounds a tad orgasmic!
Had tubby up top puked, Paul would win, but I have to say this one goes to Luke. Bravo, you sicko!
5 Taylor // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:18 pm
Shit, I read them backwards! Paul, you win! You came up with Mongo!
Sorry, Luke. And maybe I should take the 100.8F degree fever I’m feeling seriously.
6 Xoe // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:19 pm
sorry but Pizza Rolls wins…i almost barfed on my shoes. eww the grunts….
7 alexia // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:23 pm
definitely the pizza rolls
i nearly vomited
8 paul // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:26 pm
Stunning performance by Luke, but I should remind you, you’re all obliged to watch the whole video of mine before judging.
9 ned // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:30 pm
hahaha oh dear. you’ve outdone yourselves boys.
10 luke // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:46 pm
i can’t work out whether NFF is the best thing we’ve ever done, or the most alienating…
11 paul // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:47 pm
I’d say it’s probably the best and most alienating.
Also, very well played, Luke.
12 geerf // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:47 pm
Public access was terrifying but Pizza Rolls was nauseating and gets my vote this week.
13 Steven Lewis // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:53 pm
It’s whisker-close but I have to go with Luke. At least with the retarded cook I think we could be tender. With pizza rolls I’d be retching throughout and I don’t think he’d be gentle with me. He might even eat my spew if someone challenged him to do so on YouTube.
14 Taylor // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:53 pm
You know, I just have to point out that the fantastic picture you found to open this week’s NFF has a place selling Funnel Cakes in the background and did anyone else notice the little girl on the right edge of the photo? How did I just notice these?
15 alexia // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:55 pm
steven – EWWWWWW
16 Alex // Jun 5, 2009 at 12:57 pm
Retarded Chef. The image of that jelly will stay with me forever. D:
17 Peta // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:00 pm
About 10 minutes ago, I was thinking – yeah, I’m getting hungry – I should probably go to lunch. But wait, let’s just do a quick little look through my blog roll before I go.
Then this happened.
I wont be eating lunch for a very long time… Pizza boy has left a burning bile in the back of my throat and I don’t think my sushi will be contained if I attempted to eat it.
Luke, you are triumphant today… Paul, make sure you close your mouth while you’re swimming, and carry a course of antibiotics.
18 rex // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:00 pm
at first I thought pizza rolls, the noises send shivers down my spine but after watching all of Merrill’s magical show I vote for you Paul – wrongness on so many levels! Can I have my 8 mins and 57 secs back now?!
19 Amoir // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:03 pm
Definitely Paul’s.
That cooking show is like ‘Of Mice and Men’, but with lettuce.
20 erin // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:20 pm
I was with Luke all the way until the retarded chef started dancing and licked his hand *shudder* i wanted to vomit on my keyborad, and the jelly kept jigging in the corner. Paul you’ve got my vote.
21 Luke // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:26 pm
Yeah close one for sure. Jabba The Pizza Hutt gets my vote.
22 paul // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Turns out Merril died last year. So that’s a dead retarded chef bashing a lettuce that you’re all so comfy fucking to.
23 beckoning_ // Jun 5, 2009 at 1:44 pm
Paul, my vote goes to you purely because it made me want to hurt someone, or myself, or perhaps a small animal.
OMG, the only time that guy wasn’t making noise was when he was stuffing his face. The salad dressing moans of pleasure. Make it stop, make it stop!
24 Jem // Jun 5, 2009 at 2:49 pm
Why have you done this to me? Why must I bear witness to such atrocities…weeelll, because it’s funny. Question answered. Thanks for your time.
Which is worse… There was more than the one person, who has an obvious intellectual disability, involved in bringing Merril into the dizzying heights of celebrity chefdom. Someone could have stopped it…but they didn’t, which makes it all the more repugnant. Pizza mouth could have stopped himself… but he didn’t.
Paul’s has it, but seriously close call.
25 chichiwood // Jun 5, 2009 at 4:21 pm
why paul? why??
i thought luke had my vote this week but you’ve surely outdone yourself.
and luke’s actually made me barf!
26 Dalyn // Jun 5, 2009 at 4:50 pm
Easily a win for Luke. Fat guy; heavy breathing; wtf are pizza rolls anyway?!?!? I’m feeling this could develop inot a ‘Kenny vs. Spenny’ Style affair where Paul never wins, which would also be funny.
Again I’m left wondering why I even have a penis. NFF may have caused permanent damage.
27 Rich Burke // Jun 5, 2009 at 4:51 pm
This is a really hard decision, but retarded chef gets my vote. It’s just utterly horrendous. I’m actually embarrassed for mankind after watching both of those.
Surely they can’t get worse?!?!
28 Sketchyfletchy // Jun 5, 2009 at 5:11 pm
Holy shit, I’m with Paul on this one. The fat kid eating is nasty and the very concept sickening, but if you could mentally block out the image, the wet slapping noises and grunts of pleasure could almost be mistaken for the noise of you and your partner attempting to test said video’s unfuckability.
… Maybe not.
Anyway, the all too eager handicapped chef and his orgasmic squeals of joy over ranch dressing (and some of that food – what the FUCK was that jelly thing?!?), not to mention horrific dance of joy, get my vote. Sorry luke, but from the moment that dude opens his mouth, it’s all bad and IT DOESN’T STOP FOR 10 MINUTES. At least the fat kid is over relatively quick.
29 Twiddlekins // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:08 pm
Paul gets the vote, the first one killed my boner, the second made my manberries retract. The cutting of the banana, the jello, the dressing *shudder*
“If you can maintain an erection thoughout this video, not only are you a fundamentally bad person, but probably need to look into voluntary psychiatric care.” <– Sounds like a challenge more than a judgement of mental health!
30 ray // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:34 pm
hahaha!!! i love both of them. the chef made me laugh the whole way and now im not sure if im a bad person…anyway i loved how he would crack a fat while making his salad and change personality so many times. on the other hand the pizza rolls was fucked, like really fucked.
pizza rolls gets my vote.
31 wayne // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:36 pm
I can’t think of anything less sexual than a fat guy with the battle of good and evil takes place in his throat. pizza rolls vs. breathing.
32 luke // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:41 pm
wow, that levelled out fast. currently sitting at 12-11 in favour of the pizza roll delight. the tension!
33 Cassie // Jun 5, 2009 at 6:50 pm
OH DEAR GOD.
I’m giving Paul 5 votes and Luke 6, and I’m now going cellibate. These videos are worth more than one vote.
34 Alex // Jun 5, 2009 at 7:21 pm
oh god oh god oh god. luck wins by far. i tired looking away but u were right, its not the vision, its the god damn sound. please kill me.
on a side note who let merrill near a knife?
35 Anthony // Jun 5, 2009 at 7:49 pm
I want my 10mins back…
Why do I watch these things?
Pizza rolls was terrifying and disgusting, and has a REMIX VIDEO wtf!
Mongo the chef… help… that was creepy.
Pizza rolls was bad to watch, but mongo will be haunting my dreams for a while… that banana… and the dance and gibbering as tried a Porky Pig impression gave me the cold shudders
I’m voting for Paul and mongo the chef… partially to even the score and partially on the fact I can’t shake the image now…
And someone should watch this…. creepy as http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p49yC268pd0
36 The Mighty Ginge // Jun 5, 2009 at 8:10 pm
That was so incredibly close – I’d seen Luke’s before, and was truly disturbed by the thought of trying to have sex while Jesse “Land-whale” Herd masturbated to 40 pizza rolls in the same room.
And I was all ready to give to it Luke up until right up to about 7 mins into Paul’s, when fat chef started clapping his hands and singing over his completed chicken salad – I’d have laughed through it till then, but that would have made me want to chop off my own balls.
Paul’s by a nose
37 The Mighty Ginge // Jun 5, 2009 at 8:12 pm
Oh, also this version of Jesse Herd is a little easier to watch because the sounds are slightly masked by the hilarious soundtrack
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eAUUznzkMfs
38 Billie // Jun 5, 2009 at 8:29 pm
Oh sweet jesus…it’s got to be pizza rolls. I’m never having sex again.
39 Nerdgasm // Jun 5, 2009 at 9:42 pm
Dear Anthony.
That video you posted should be titled “No fuck forever”.
Sincerely,
Mr Psychologically Scarred.
P.S. The pizza rolls gets my vote.
40 ADDZ // Jun 5, 2009 at 11:59 pm
This week was tough…. But I’m voting for Luke. I’ve never actually witnessed someone slowly dying… I think a part of me may have also died.
41 @bronte_saurus // Jun 6, 2009 at 12:38 am
you guys need to put a time limit on your entries i think, that was just too much…
having said that, fat sweaty, grunty, people stuffing their face pretending someone has them a challenge to do so, just seriously obliterated my libido. gone.
not that i could get my rocks off while retardo chef was doing his thing either but i think the grunting wins.
i feel so dirty. this is the real aim of this little shenanigan isnt it, boys?
42 wally // Jun 6, 2009 at 2:07 am
retarded chef FTW, he did a yogi bear impression… YOGI BEAR!!
43 soph // Jun 6, 2009 at 9:33 pm
oh dear god. they are both supremely heinous. pizza rolls made me want to vomit. a lot. the retarded chef was bad but i did consider his probable fucklessness which inevitably led to thoughts of sympathy sex (no? just me then), which for the purposes of this competition is probably not a good thing… sorry paul.
44 Metrac // Jun 6, 2009 at 10:12 pm
The Chef wins.
45 Blotto // Jun 7, 2009 at 2:41 am
BOTH FUCKING TERRIBLE!!!
ok i saw about 20 seconds of pizza rolls in a very hung over state on sat morning….. big mistake! i couldnt eat all day and spent the rest of the time in bed being sick and wishing i was dead!
only just brought myself to watch old mungo and was actually able to watch it all and that was some disturbing shit! like seriously that was all kinds of fucked up. i didnt know whether to laugh or call the UN for crimes against humanity.
but due to the lack of stomach lining i have left my votes gotta go to luke.
keep up the “good” work boys!
46 bec // Jun 7, 2009 at 11:58 am
it’s gotta be pizza rolls. that thing reduced my will to live, let alone any desire to have sex ever again.
slowly but surely, no fuck friday voters across the country are turning into depressed, celibate shells of their former selves.
47 i want my hat // Jun 8, 2009 at 5:02 pm
For the purposes of this competition, Luke wins for me. Creepy retarded chef was more entertaining and in some ways more disturbing, but pizza roll guy forced me to look away in revulsion. Definitely no sex being had to that video.
48 vijaykhurana // Jun 8, 2009 at 5:12 pm
Oh good God.
This is a dead heat. Pizza rolls sickened me on a physical and cultural level, yet community TV chef brought on an existential nausea that I have yet to shake.
49 Natalie // Jun 8, 2009 at 10:25 pm
Although I am a feeder, pizza roll guy wins. It makes me want to force doughnuts down Luke’s gullet and fatten him up like a foie gras goose.
50 Steven Lewis // Jun 9, 2009 at 10:10 am
Having had the rules explained to me (perhaps I should have my own public access show), I must now change my vote from Luke and cast in favour of Paul. This has nothing to do with the fact that it was Paul explaining the rules to me.
51 Aqualec // Jun 9, 2009 at 11:43 am
Oh god i think i need to vomit after seeing the first Video. Luke you win hands down.
52 paul // Jun 9, 2009 at 11:49 am
The key is to WATCH THE WHOLE VIDEO.
53 crash // Jun 10, 2009 at 11:23 pm
that may have unfortunately been where you went wrong paul, 4 minutes where it just.. just gets to you straight off the bat
or 8 minutes of ‘OHGOD HOW DID HE GET A TV SHOW?!’
in terms of the rules, it’s paul, easily.
doesn’t make luke’s pizza monster any less haunting
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