Well well. You all showed up. Some said it couldn’t be done. Some said it was too late.
Ok, that’s enough vague bullshit meant to get you vaugely hyped. WELCOME TO NO FUCK FRIDAY! This is the fourth in our ongoing, and questionable, segment wherein the rules are very simple:
1) Luke and myself present one video each.
2) We provide commentary for each video.
3) You must vote for the video you would find it hardest to have sex to. Not with, to. As in, watching this whilst having sex.
4) You must watch the entire video for each entry. If you can’t finish it, this doesn’t mean the other wins automatically, it just makes you a total pussy.
The reason this rule has been introduced, is because I insist a retarded chef dying onscreen (not literally; we do have some limits) for nine minutes is immesurably worse if you sit through the whole thing. Or maybe I’m just bitter that Luke gets to baptise me in the Yarra this weekend, provided the temperatures outside break the ten degree mark, in which case I can be sure I won’t get hypothermia. Also, it’ll mean I probably won’t wake up in the year 3000, in a futuristic museum, where small children will poke me with robo-sticks (actual sticks having died out centuries ago). But, I digress. Here are our entries for No Fuck Friday 4!
Paul: I chose this video because it made me sick. If it helps, remember this: you’re not allowed to look away. Nor are you allowed to stop periodically imagining getting it on whilst this plays. That way, the bubbling burning feeling in your gut will give birth to a boy! Made of vomit. Incidentally, the youtube comments for this video comtain this exchange:
Puffkenny: u left out the head smashing scene lol
Bonecave: Oh CRAP! Can’t believe I left that out! Ooops. Oh well… not like anyone hasn’t seen it a million times already.
Luke: After last week’s mammoth entries I had hoped to curtail matters a little, but I think this particular gem warrants the time investment. I like the way it drops you straight into the action without really telling you what’s going on. So many questions! Who is this man? Who is he responding too? Why does he have toys all over his wal- Wait, did he just say he recycles his own semen?
And yes. This man is entirely serious and does exist.
As usual, vote and enjoy. Also, this time around, we’re taking votes for the punishment of the loser, which we’ll decide in our own good time. Also, keep your eyes peeled for my baptism. If I get sick, I plan on killing Luke in the face.
/Paul
70 responses so far ↓
1 Steven Lewis // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I watched Luke’s first and was sure he couldn’t be topped. “If you don’t like the taste of your own semen, you don’t have to drink it.” How could you top that? Yet, Paul, you dirty, deranged bastard, you have topped it.
Based on No Fuck Friday I don’t think either of you needs my help in coming up with a forfeit for the loser. I simply look forward to seeing it.
2 Hel // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:13 pm
I can’t do it. I got 38 seconds in to Riki Oh and I wanted to vomit. The only other visual eye-rape that has ever done that to me was Wrong Turn 2, which I watched in return for never having to sit through another horror movie ever again. I made it through the face-eating radioactive mutants chopping people in half (vertically), but my stomach gave out when said mutants started making out with each other over the body of a hacked-up lingerie model.
That was half an hour into the gore-bucket of a film. Paul’s clip only took 38 seconds.
Seeing as you’re being sooo strict with the rules though, Paul, it looks like I can’t vote for yours. Shame.
3 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:15 pm
@Hel: All that means is that you have to keep watching, or make an inference from there, not find some loophole!
4 Alex // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:18 pm
Oh, come on, that first one is tame compared to the Pain series. Or have I just been on the internet too long? XD
My vote goes to the second though. The mental image of that man in an adult diaper spanking himself is enough to turn anyone off.
5 Jai // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:21 pm
Okay… I don’t know WHY I still watch this every week… But now I’m both simultaneously ready to vomit, and cry about the sadness of humanity, and I really don’t think I’ll be able to have sex for a couple of years due to the trauma of watching both of those all the way through… You guys are sick and I’d refuse to vote if I didn’t think Luke should lose simply because I felt sorry for the poor bastard who I was sort of nervously laughing at.
I still love your damn blog though..
Jai
6 Erin // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:27 pm
In complete agreement with Steven Lewis…
Luke’s video is disturbing in a very discreet matter, and in the throws of passion could easily be ignored.
Whereas Pauls is blatantly disgusting and horrible and loud and eerghh.
7 Hel // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:31 pm
@Paul: I’m not going to vote for Luke’s instead. I’m just abstaining from the vote (and possibly sex also, thanks to this competition) because there is not a snowball’s chance in hell that I am going to keep watching that clip. So I’ll lie instead.
@everybody else: I watched it to the end. I vote Paul’s.
8 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:33 pm
Hel, you’re finicky and tangential.
You belong here.
9 b // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:38 pm
My vote goes to Luke. I cant even think about sex without feeling dirty while listening to that kid talk about his sperm collecting skills.
Sorry Paul, gore to a med student is like candy to a baby. Time for slow-mo round 2!
10 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:40 pm
@b: Intruiging. Hopefully the guy who made Luke’s video votes, I’m guessing he’s squeamish with violence.
11 Hel // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:41 pm
There’s a place for everyone. I guess mine is a mildly bent, hipster nerd-celebration on the internet.
Yay!
12 Kelly // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:44 pm
as much as Luke’s video made me want to vomit up my weiss bar it was the sheer agony of watching pauls video that won my vote.
13 Aqualec // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:44 pm
Well i watch them both and i can honestly say that i’m voting for Luke’s video.
After watching yours Paul i might actually try and get my hands on the whole movie.
14 alexia // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:45 pm
I’m with Hel
I couldn’t watch the first clip all the way through and so probably not eligible to vote, but if I were, I’d vote Pauls….
15 alexia // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:46 pm
actually tbh – the picture at the very top almost immediately got my vote….
16 Destructor // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:46 pm
I have to say, this is really tough. There’s something about the visceral nature of Paul’s vid that makes me want to fuck, but I don’t think I could maintain an erection whilst watching it at the same time. There is a lot more existential ennui in Luke’s vid, that made me really depressed and I while I could probably fuck watching it, the voice would get inside my head and ruin sex for me forever.
So I’m at an impass, they are both impossibly awful. Given that Luke’s had cancer AND been waterboarded and Paul complains amusingly when he is sick, I vote for Paul to be dunked, just out of spite, really.
17 Aqualec // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:47 pm
@paul where did you get the picture for this post? I want that draw/painting!
18 beckoning_ // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:48 pm
Hands down, Paul gets my vote.
I unexpectedly squealed only 12 seconds into the video which resulted in a very awkward explanation to co-workers.
Suggested punishment for this week’s loser include shaving of eyebrows, fun with permanent markers, or having to be Adam West for an entire day.
19 vijay khurana // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:51 pm
Paul Wins. And here’s why:
As disturbing as a semen drinking man with an N.R.F.B. fetish is, what with the background white noise from the poor sound recording and the soft mumblings of the cum quaffer himself, you could EASILY imagine that you were actually having sex in a remote jungle hut and that the noises you could hear were nothing but the rumbling of a distant waterfall and the nocturnal chatter of the gibbons outside.
But a man strangling his opponent with his own large intestine, that’s hard to argue with.
20 The Mighty Ginge // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:53 pm
I’m with Jai – I was all geared up to turn a London drinking trip into a dirty weekend with a girl I studied with, and now the mere thought of sex makes me want to retract back till it looks like I have a vagina.
Luke, that was one of the most disturbing monologues I have ever been unfortunate enough to bare witness to. But Paul’s made me feel like I was being molested by Hulk Hogan – I could probably tune the “recycler” out, but Riki Oh! has literally made it a “No Fuck Friday, Saturday OR Sunday” for me.
Paul by a mile
21 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:53 pm
@vijay: Well said. You’re like Sigourney Weaver in that movie. What was it called? Ghostbusters 2?
@Beckoning: As someone who has had medical reasons for losing all his hair, and given that I’m probably going to die in the Yarra tomorrow, I’m going to probably go harsher than an eyebrow shaving.
22 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:54 pm
Oh, also:
YOU ARE ALL FREE NOW!
23 Luke // Jun 12, 2009 at 3:57 pm
goddamn, i was really gunning on existential ennui having a more profound impact than jaw smashing
fortunately as winner i believe i get to choose the punishment for this week… a foot massage from the winner?
24 Hel // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:02 pm
I didn’t know we cost anything in the first place.
25 Peta // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:08 pm
While Paul’s addition was thrilling and almost vomit inducing – I’m a long time fan of Mr. Own-cum-muncher.
My biggest fear when it comes to NFF and this video would be to have sex with a man while this runs in the background, and that man then saying “Yeah – how else do you keep up your sperm count”
It reminds me of all those Dolly Doctor letters “Dear Dolly Doctor: I gave my boyfriend head the other day and swallowed… Am I pregnant?”
It makes me giggle and worry.
26 GeeJ // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:10 pm
I vote for the cum guzzler.
27 Simon M // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:16 pm
Paul Wins!
Luke’s is just hot
28 Simon M // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Paul Wins!
Luke’s is just hot!
29 Peta // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:21 pm
Double commenting doesnt count as two votes, Simon M… EVERYONE knows it’s you.
30 geerfy // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:25 pm
Luke gets my vote this week… It’s the subtlety that gets you – I haven’t seen the pics or video he speaks of but it makes me wonder (involuntarily) what they might look like and therefore need to vomit.
31 paul // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:27 pm
@geerfy: Where were you last week, when I needed you?!
32 NotHisRealName // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I vote for Luke.
I’m desensitised to violence so I kinda found Paul’s video mildly amusing.
NoFuckFriday is a moot point for me right now… However, I won’t even be able to enjoy a good wank now thanks to the image of that nerdy guy sitting next to me, cup in hand, asking me if I’d like to share a cuppa.
33 Lord Lamington // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Luke, any other week and that video would’ve won. But Paul’s – my oh my – was the sickest thing I think I have ever seen. It would not only make you instantly flaccid, but actually make the penis invert upon itself, creating some sort of pubic black hole. Well played, Mr. Verhoeven, well played.
34 maddy // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:37 pm
Pauls,
I WAS EATING GODDAMIT!
EATING!
My stomach had an alergic reaction to that video.
35 Metrac // Jun 12, 2009 at 4:38 pm
Years of exposure to violent games and literature have dulled my reactions to violence to a degree that I laughed through Pauls video.
Lukes monologue made me sad and reminded me exactly why god created natural selection in the first place. And by denying ourselves of it we are creating genetic cul-de-sacs and effectively putting on the concrete boots of evolution.
Therefor Luke gets my vote.
36 Fiona // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:05 pm
I could only watch 15 seconds of Paul’s, but I couldn’t look away from Luke’s, as in couldn’t blink, nor swallow my mouthful of vom.
There are no winners here, and by that I mean Paul won.
37 Tim // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:06 pm
Luke wins, getting strangled with your own intestine is hilarious, and hilarity puts one in a much better place than the vision of an overweight nerd in diapers drinking his own bodily fluids (unless thats your thing)
38 Aqualec // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:08 pm
Riding a bicycle nude or some form of nudity in a general public area as part of the punishment?
39 Blotto // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:11 pm
@everyone who voted for pauls, are you sure your not just the guy from lukes being the complete weirdo sheltered freak that cant handle a bit of totally fake and over the top fight seens.
vote goes for lukes for being disturbingly real. like come on no one could ignore that droning freak of a voice talking about drinking his own seeman. but in riki oh you could get a funky groove on with that music!
ok maybe im a bit disturbed but at least i dont drink my own seeman!
40 Hannah // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:50 pm
Kelly didn’t watch Paul’s video all the way through so I don’t think her vote should count!!!
Luke’s creepy guy was the icing on the “misunderstood” cake. Did anyone else notice his foot shaking like crazy when he was talking about drinking his seaman? *shudder* Just think people that guy could be living next door to you!
Paul’s video was disgusting and makes me happy to be a vegetarian. The meat grinding scene won it for me. Paul gets my vote!
41 Curare // Jun 12, 2009 at 5:57 pm
I had to admit, I found Paul’s Intestine Twisting clip, horrific to the point of hilarity, granted I’m a twisted weirdo, but I still have a say.
My vote goes to the jizz recycling plant. I litteraly threw my headphones off after that clip.
*reaches for the mind bleach*
42 Ric // Jun 12, 2009 at 6:05 pm
Rickie Oh is still one of my fave badly dubbed unintentional comedies.
Semen recycling guy gets the vote, mainly because I had to think about what he meant. And him doing it. Horrible.
43 Walter // Jun 12, 2009 at 6:33 pm
Re-cycle your own semen… That man is truly insane lol, Luke gets my vote
44 rex // Jun 12, 2009 at 7:23 pm
I actually found myself laughing at Riki oh oh oh oh oh!
Luke, you’re a winnah.
45 Jimmy // Jun 12, 2009 at 7:49 pm
Ok, so both clips have rendered me completely useless in the bedroom for at least a week….
But Luke’s made me laugh, while pauls made me want to rip out my eyes…
So Pauls vid gets my vote
46 Zoe // Jun 12, 2009 at 7:58 pm
Luke, gets my vote.
Sorry Paul, Luke’s video had so many low points it just made me want to cry a little.
“We’re only human it’s nothing to be ashamed of”…
I beg to differ
47 Finn // Jun 12, 2009 at 8:16 pm
I have fond memories of watching Riki Oh on a laptop in the back of a van while on a cross-US trip to a convention. Our friend, driving, knew roughly what bit we had just viewed by the “…..waaaaaaaaaaauuuuugh?!?!?!?!” we would make intermittently.
48 Reno // Jun 12, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Luke, gets my vote.
Not a fan of recycling bodily fluids
49 Neet // Jun 12, 2009 at 8:50 pm
the thought of someone actualy choosing to drink their own sperm – and i know what it tastes like- turns me off more than the giggling at using your own intestines as a weapon. Luke wins.
50 MizBex // Jun 12, 2009 at 11:58 pm
i watched the first one right the way through…..giggling in a disgusted manner….the second one…murdered my inner child!!
sorry paul
looks like ur gonna lose this one
51 Taylor // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:13 am
Can I just vote for whoever found the picture for this week’s entry? Please? No? Okay…
That said, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat or have sex the rest of the day. I thought the guy two cubicles over who’s a noisy eater, all smackin the lips and breathing heavily (tho not the pizza roll guy from last week) is bad, but Paul…you’re one f’d up mf’er! Oddly, sexual perversion not as disturbing as uber-violence to me.
Paul gets it!
52 Taylor // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:14 am
Tho, let it be know I approve of recycling…just not Luke’s choice’s idea of recycling!
53 John // Jun 13, 2009 at 7:26 am
Paul, you get my vote, gratuitious violence is visually distressing but it’s just an act, where as this diaper pooping whack-job is actually insane and it will take me weeks to get over this freak, whi I belive is not from this planet, he is from the far away galaxy named “Faeces” I truly doubt that this video will ever be surpassed.
54 paul // Jun 13, 2009 at 9:51 am
Now I’m just confused… the same reason people are voting for Luke is the same reasons mine should have won last week, imho! Realistic, check. Disturbing, check. Morally wrong, check. Still a week of voting left!
55 Anthony // Jun 13, 2009 at 12:45 pm
I vote for Luke… I think I fall into the desensitised to violence camp and just watched in kinda bemused interest at what over the top fucked up stabby gougey punch through the top of someones head violence they could do next… It would be hard to have sex to surely (given my attention would be elsewhere) but I think a post movie *ahem* would be possible.
Luke’s however was just creepy, turn the volume down and you could ignore it but with volume up I don’t think I could bring myself to touch another person (or myself) for a few days… Recycling semen? WTF? Spank on mr nerd, but seriously why does he feel the need to maintain his sperm count… Talking to him is a no fuck anyday… Plus we all poo ourselves from stress? I’m yet to poo myself from stress…
56 Dalyn // Jun 13, 2009 at 1:29 pm
Luke by a mile
Paul’s just makes me want to go out and watch that entire movie…looks like a laugh, it was gory, but so over the top that I wasn’t really disturbed.
The guy ‘recycling’ his own semen to keep his semen count up, who poos his underpants and helps anonymous friends get their kicks by taking spanking photos….words do no justice to my disgust
57 Alex // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:33 pm
luke wins again. he recycles his seamen? i feel sick. he shant and wont be treated with respected as an equal.
also is it wrong that i liked pauls?
58 Luke // Jun 13, 2009 at 2:56 pm
Wow, that turned quickly: 24-14 to me! What can I say Verhoeven? The people love subtlety. Also, Merrill Howard Kalin is cute. Captain cum-guzzler is distressing. Very distressing.
Also, I just kicked Paul into the Yarra. It was amazing.
59 Chris // Jun 13, 2009 at 9:23 pm
I gotta give it to Paul.
I wouldve stopped 30 seconds in but I couldnt help imagining a small, conscience version of Paul, standing on my shoulder and calling me a pussy. That was eye gougingly, horrific.
60 Cassie // Jun 14, 2009 at 12:11 am
Ah. Now I see why you brought in that new rule. That meat grinder scene did it for me, and half of one of the guy’s faces being ripped off. Not something that gets one in the mood as such.
And Mr Cumshakes…..if I was to turn down the volume mabye everything would be ok. But seriously, defiling yourself because someone has stressed you or ‘misunderstood’ you? Why do you think people are misunderstanding you? I can’t understand anyone who deals with stress by leaving a present in their underwear.
Aaaannnnnywaaay.
My vote goes to Paul, because anyone who can have a sexy time while badly dubbed martial artists are exploding peoples fists and grinding fat naked men into pink mush are sick and wrong.
And kudos on the man/lion/jesus(?) loving graphic.
61 Ben // Jun 14, 2009 at 11:45 am
Sorry paul but this weeks vote will go to Luke. A very disturbing and uninspiring entry. Kudos
62 lampy // Jun 14, 2009 at 5:09 pm
Couldn’t watch Paul’s, so I sadly do not get to have my voice heard.
If however, I was allowed to vote, I’d vote Luke. I like my no-fuck Firday entries to come with a healthy dose of hillarity. As vile as the semen recycler is, as much as I could never, ever have sex while watching him, he is highly amusing all the same.
63 Samoan Joe // Jun 15, 2009 at 1:01 pm
Luke wins….
Man this says a lot for my level of desensitization that I could sit through pauls and think it was just odd…
But spanking, man diapers, recycling semen and…Dear sweet jesus I’ll never sustain an erection again…..
“Healthy, growing, sane, sound minded individual” my ARSE!
So I’m voting for Luke’s as the most disturbing…
…God why do I keep coming back here each friday?…
64 alisha // Jun 15, 2009 at 4:47 pm
oh wow.
i think i vote paul. luke’s was more hilarious. disturbing, but hilarious.
65 CHICKEN // Jun 16, 2009 at 9:49 am
Luke’s all the way I am felling sick I thing I am going to have to go home.
Paul pull your finger out, and try harder or do you just like being punished. I have to find that movie now, it was funny
66 Lady P // Jun 16, 2009 at 3:32 pm
Paul’s video was entertaining. I giggled.
However..
ANYONE that considers themselves a “healthy, growing, sane and sound minded, adult, individual” but recycles their semen is so far beyond wrong.
I really dont think he needs to worry about losing any unborn children. The last thing he needs to worry about is procreating.
For everything you never wanted to know about that guy;
http://encyclopediadramatica.com/Chris-chan
If I didn’t make it clear..
Luke’s video > Paul’s video
67 felise // Jun 17, 2009 at 4:14 pm
paul’s wins because what
68 soph // Jun 17, 2009 at 11:56 pm
luke wins.
69 Phil // Jun 24, 2009 at 12:23 am
i’m going to have to give this one to the birthday boy…
70 ray // Jun 24, 2009 at 4:32 pm
LUKE WINS!
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