If Grease 2 taught us anything, and it did, sequels are almost always better than the originals (loathe be I to distract attention away from the main event, but seriously, click on that link. The film is even better than you remember. And by better I mean abysmally awful. So not ‘better’ at all really. What an odd choice of phrase…). And this week’s No Fuck Friday is almost definitely better than the original. Because No Fuck Friday is all about abysmal awfulness.
The brief, to put it succinctly, is that Paul and I each submit a video of such profound heinousness that any attempt to attain or sustain an erection/whatever it is that ladies do (ick!) while watching said videos is doomed to failure. Last week I won convincingly with the evocatively titled ‘Cunt Smasher’. As my prize, I will be spanking Paul with a thong to mariachi music in a soon to be uploaded video. Not as homoerotic as it sounds.
But as reigning champ, I have been given responsibility for picking next week’s punishment. And here it is: the winner gets to waterboard the loser with a small bottle of milk. Here’s a sneak preview of what this might be like. Although I am talking a tiny bottle of milk here, so in all likelihood it’ll be more about sensually pouring milk on the loser’s face than extracting state secrets. Either way: fun! Also, it’ll be soundtracked by Aqua’s almost NFF-worthy song ‘Back To The 80s’. God that tune is fucking awful.
Now, on with the entries!
Paul: Why I chose The Miracle of Birth: Well to be honest, it’s highly educational. I didn’t know most of the stuff moustache guy sang about! Penis IN the vagina? I’ve always just skirted around the edges! And is that Ernest Borgnine swying around next to a giant hippo and an owl? A giant green thing which behaves as though everyone in the room has just drugged him? Also, Rapey McJones has the kind of vocal range normally reserved for suburban church choirs or prison. Or both! Whilst Luke’s entry is pretty fucking repellant, this, for me, destroys anything resembling an erection faster than you can say “quick! lock the door, giant hippo! Time to get our fuck on!”. Ouch.
Luke: Now, there’s a few things you might notice while watching my video. First, it’s not actually a video, rather it’s a still image of the band you’re listening to: 1969’s pioneering all girl, all sister rock group The Shaggs. The girls’ father forced them to become a band in response to a palmreading his mother had done when he was a baby. No shit. Second, the song is called ‘My Pal, Foot Foot’. You can see their artistic rendering of Foot Foot here. Uh-huh. And thirdly, this is quite evidently the worst song of all time. Either that or it’s displaying a level of avant garde genius my puny mortal brain simply cannot endure. But I’m leaning toward the former. The Shaggs: rather ironically not suitable for any shagging whatsoever.
And there we have it. The contenders are in. Now, go light some candles, crack out the massage oil and try and get sensual with that special someone while these are playing. I dare you.
Oh yes, and cast your votes in the comment section. Wicked.
/Luke
56 responses so far ↓
1 Will // May 29, 2009 at 2:31 pm
Miracle of Birth. Go.
2 beckoning_ // May 29, 2009 at 2:41 pm
Although the twirling frog is slightly traumatising, I think the psychotic beat of foot foot serves as a better contraception. Can’t shag to the Shaggs
3 Dalyn // May 29, 2009 at 4:17 pm
Foot Foot ftw.Hard to compete with the worlds worst ’stache but The shaggs just rendered me sexually inert for about the next month and a half. Thanks a lot…
4 El Polo Diablo // May 29, 2009 at 4:24 pm
OH God make them stop…
Gonna have to go with The Shaggs… possible the only time anyone would go with them on anything.
5 alexia // May 29, 2009 at 4:31 pm
#2 for the win. That miracle of birth video was the shizznizz.
6 Blotto // May 29, 2009 at 4:32 pm
It has to be foot foot at least miracle of birth has a beat that you could actually do something to whether its sex or bashing your head against a keyboard, which is what i almost started doing to foot foot until i lost control of my body and started having epileptic seizures all over the floor!
7 paul // May 29, 2009 at 4:32 pm
I vote Luke gets his ass kicked for not submitting a VIDEO.
Meaning I want to waterboard him with milk real bad.
8 Adam // May 29, 2009 at 4:35 pm
Oh my goodness. The Shaggs win…or lose or whatever. I vote for them. Oh my goodness. Ick. Its still playing as I write this. >_< Geez!
9 felise // May 29, 2009 at 4:38 pm
after spending weeks looking at avant garde/minimalist stuff in music class, i thought i was used to this kind of thing. evidently not. but i think the first one wins/loses/is more awful
that man wants does not stop smiling. he wants to do nasty things to you.
10 luke // May 29, 2009 at 4:43 pm
well at this early stage i appear to be in a commanding position 6-2. boy howdy, i sure am looking forward to pouring milk all over your shiny face verhoeven.
11 Alex // May 29, 2009 at 4:44 pm
Oh God, The Shaggs. *twitches* IDK what the fuck that was, but my brain is in desperate need of therapy after listening to that. o.O
12 Jem // May 29, 2009 at 5:05 pm
Come on that interpretive dance by the frog was obviously a ritual to summon the devil… no just wait he was already in the room wearing a moustache. Mircle of birth wins.
13 ADDZ // May 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm
Number 2 gets my vote. I’m pretty sure they discovered notes never thought to be there… certainly gives me nausea. Actually i think i’m just gonna stick my fingers down my throat in the hope I vomit out what I just witnessed.
14 hooch // May 29, 2009 at 10:18 pm
Both bring all new kinds of awful to the table, but my vote is going to go with miracle of birth. It disturbed me on so many levels- subject matter, pervy men, drugged up frog, unexplained presence of the owl with nothing to contribute.
Also, number two is technically not a video. Disqualified.
15 Taylor // May 30, 2009 at 1:02 am
I’m with Paul, all the way (not like that)! #1 ftw!
I grew up watching New Zoo Revue. The sheer fact people could pull off that wackiness back in the day deserves the win!
16 felise // May 30, 2009 at 6:29 am
i’ve reconsidered – luke’s one haunted my dreams last night.
17 Aqualec // May 30, 2009 at 8:15 am
Sorry paul i’m gonna have to go with Luke on this one. The Shaggs have disturbed me to no end, and now i can’t sleep without that haunting tune in my head.
18 Josh // May 30, 2009 at 10:24 am
Miracle of birth all day.
When I realised he was about to start a song, I nearly fell over.
He has all the charm of a convicted child sex offender.
And lets not forget the old man, him saying sperm was enough at the start, but the video went for another two and a half minutes after that.
19 The Mighty Ginge // May 30, 2009 at 11:16 am
I watched this at 3am last night after a HUGELY drunken night, and while the miracle of birth was upsetting, the shaggs actually prevented any plans I may have had to play drunken busy fist.
Even drunk I knew I hated Foot Foot – that’s something special
20 Anthony // May 30, 2009 at 5:12 pm
by force them to be a band… you mean just that… clearly he didn’t force them to take music lessons…
It took me 2mins to work out that green thing was a frog in Pauls… It was just kinda creepy. The knowledge that it’s probably a religious group who don’t want us fucking anyway seals it for me
Miracle was yuck and gets my vote…
But neither where as bad as last week like you promised… you’re a liar verhoeven/ryan!
21 Sketchyfletchy // May 30, 2009 at 5:31 pm
Zooreview and the Miracle of Birth gets my vote. Just a whole new level of wrongness going on there that cannot be fathomed. The very thought of sustaining any kind of boner during that onslaught of mixed messages is strange and terrifying.
True, My Pal Foot Foot is clearly the worst song of all time, but it’s just noise. That, and the badass drum solo outro is totally slammin’. (vomit)
22 Elyce // May 30, 2009 at 7:13 pm
For someone so insistent that babies need a mommy and a daddy, glasses-guy seemed to be coming on to that frog pretty hard. That creepiness, combined with Luke’s complete lack of a video means Miracle of Birth gets my vote.
23 No Fuck Friday #1: The Punishment. // May 30, 2009 at 7:41 pm
[...] milk. I do NOT want to get milk poured on my face, so if you have any sense of decency, please. Vote for me so I can drown Luke in rancid cow [...]
24 Niky // May 31, 2009 at 12:04 am
The miracle of birth . *shudder*
25 Jai // May 31, 2009 at 12:35 am
I’m voting for Paul, that shit has made me consider turning asexual. Whereas Foot Foot kinda just made me feel better about my own musical abilities.
26 Luke // May 31, 2009 at 12:03 pm
yikes, suddenly it’s neck and neck – 11 votes apiece. this is even closer than the 2000 US election. and the ramifications are just as earth shattering too.
i still maintain paul has cheated with his shameless call for votes. let the entries stand on their own merits verhoeven. don’t tamper with democracy.
27 paul // May 31, 2009 at 1:00 pm
And I maintain you’ve cheated by a) posting a stationary image, and b) being such a prolific douche-canoe.
Also, how good is the spanking vid?
28 celina // May 31, 2009 at 4:09 pm
The Miracle of Birth gets my vote because the opening dialogue makes my reproductive organs want to shrivel up and die.
I tried playing both of these at the same time and they work strangely well together. It’s like they share a heartbeat. An inane and ultimately disturbing heartbeat.
29 Natalie // May 31, 2009 at 6:49 pm
The Shaggs. Emetic, anorectic and contraceptive.
30 Chris g // May 31, 2009 at 10:37 pm
The first one was pretty damn creepy, I just couldnt shake the feeling that the singer was somehow propositioning the frog.
I gotta go with The Shaggs though. That song had the same affect on my brain as putting it through a wood chipper.
31 Daniel2384 // Jun 1, 2009 at 12:44 am
My brain…. it has melted….
The Shaggs – the worst thing ever. Now, to use it in place of Rick-rolling…
32 Peta // Jun 1, 2009 at 1:50 pm
The Shaggs are horrible, though wouldn’t stop me from having sex.
The miracle of birth however, would stop me for a very long time. The image of Rapey and the drug effected green thing in an embrace is enough for me, I may keep it on file for when (if, now…) I ever have kids – not only would it get the sex question out of the way – they would never ever want to have it.
33 Jay // Jun 1, 2009 at 7:16 pm
the shaggs, sorry paul.
34 Kristi // Jun 1, 2009 at 7:47 pm
The Shaggs is just plain bad, but my vote has to go with miracle of birth….completely creeped out.
35 NoName // Jun 2, 2009 at 1:56 am
Started Fapping to the birth video, got it up,
but absolutly lost it to the shaggs…
HOWEVER the shaggs wasnt a video so Paul wins by default.
36 Alex // Jun 2, 2009 at 8:55 am
i made it through the miracle of birth, but the shaggs? *shudder*
Sorry paul but luke wins this round even tho it wosnt a video.
37 luke // Jun 2, 2009 at 9:23 am
16-15. victory is so close i can almost smell it. and it smells like milk.
38 paul // Jun 2, 2009 at 10:46 am
But it ISN’T A VIDEO! WAKE UP AND SMELL THE SEX FROG, PEOPLE!
39 Joe Citizen // Jun 2, 2009 at 10:56 am
The Shaggs, firstly due to the inherent irony of their name in the context of this glorious competition, and secondly because of their stupefacient syncopations.
40 Ryan // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:20 am
Oh god, it’s neck and neck. I have to destroy this balance – miracle of birth… It’s only fair Luke-
41 luke // Jun 2, 2009 at 11:48 am
bah! enough of this ‘isn’t a video’ bollocks – it’s still an audio-visual experience. you know your entry is weaker verhoeven and so you’re being forced to rely on technical quibbles. it’s sad.
milky milky.
17-16. to me.
42 Teeje // Jun 2, 2009 at 12:26 pm
While The Shaggs make me vomit a little in my mouth, The Miracle of Birth keeps putting me into varying states of eye and ear gouging conniptions. (They’re still not clean.)
I vote for Paul.
43 Hel // Jun 2, 2009 at 3:20 pm
I vote Pauls.
That creeped me out. Possible nightmares to come.
The Shaggs is hideous, but kinda made me laugh. Nothing wrong with having a laugh during sex (well, sometimes. I suppose it’s pretty context dependent).
44 Lady P // Jun 3, 2009 at 1:21 am
It’s taken me a long time to come to this conclusion… They both have their merits… The Shaggs has an immediate vomit enducing quality about it… but the Miracle of Birth is definitely weirder and creepier.
I would like to thank you both for another week of visual/auditory violations.
I’m with Luke. The Shaggs get my vote.
Milkboard Paul!
45 bec // Jun 3, 2009 at 10:17 am
it’s gotta be the miracle of birth. as bad as the shaggs were, at least they didn’t have a retarded green frog swaying to the lyric “it’s the miracle of birth / the breath of life.”
*shudder*
milkboard luke!
46 geerf // Jun 3, 2009 at 11:21 am
miracle of birth made me feel distinctly uneasy… slightly moreso than footfoot. my vote goes to rapey mcjones.
47 Kelly // Jun 3, 2009 at 11:40 am
Paul wins my vote. large fake owls & Hippos singing about sex have scared me from sex for a while. i haven’t felt this horrified since i did my medical terminology course and had to watch a women giving labour! *shudder*
48 Simon // Jun 3, 2009 at 11:47 am
Have to go with the New Zoo revue. That guy with the galsses deffinatly had to end up on a Sex offenders website some where.
49 Halia // Jun 3, 2009 at 11:57 am
Sorry Paul but Foot Foot gets my vote. The Shaggs were inescapably offensive. I need to post this now and not return for a while and pretend none of this ever happened.
*shudder*
50 soph // Jun 3, 2009 at 12:55 pm
congratulations luke. watching miracle of birth i thought it was all over, but the shaggs are some seriously f*ed up, un-f*able f*tards.
miracle of birth could never win cause he’s wearing luke’s glasses, a vraiement hipster…
51 paul // Jun 3, 2009 at 2:22 pm
IT WASN’T A VIDEO!
52 Jacqui // Jun 3, 2009 at 7:50 pm
whilst watching the new zoo revue, I was struck with the idea that it could work if the hippo bent over and took one for the team while the frog got a sex ed class from the creep with the glasses.
These clips were as disturbing as each other, and the images that have now presented themselves in my mind leave me with the impression I might need therapy.
So with that forever stuck in my subconscious I am sorry to say I think Paul and his Zoo Revue have the trophy of killing my sex life.
Sorry Luke
53 @bronte_saurus // Jun 4, 2009 at 12:55 am
the shaggs by a country mile… you’re gonna have to do better than that to avoid the ole milkboarding, verhoeven
54 Kelly Mitchell // Jun 4, 2009 at 7:51 am
my vote goes to both of you. swear that shit nearly made my ears bleed!
55 Cassie // Jun 4, 2009 at 5:17 pm
The frog thing looks like a giant piece of bubblegum that was swallowed and consequently vomited back up. And the aptly named Shaggs….points for the beautiful graphic representaion of Foot Foot, that thing will haunt my dreams.
But the winner for greatest turn-off in my opinion is certainly the ‘Rape and Educate’ New Zoo Review video….
56 Foot Foot // Jun 4, 2009 at 6:34 pm
Foot Foot. All the way
I think my will to live just leaked out my ears….
As a musician, I think I would rather pierce my eardrums so I never have to hear that again….
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