This one time, In high school, we had this hardcore christian classmate. For arguments sake, let’s call her “Chrissy”.
…Actually, she was a horrible person, so let’s call her Janine Vaginaface.
(Her dad was one of the most prominent members of the woodchipping industry, she once said the phrase “fuck whales, they don’t have souls” and meant it, and more than once said that being gay was “wrong. Just… wrong, and gross”. So don’t get on your Vaginaface horse. Partly because she deserves to be called vaginaface, and partly because the vaginaface horse is a rare and delicate creature, and deserves our respect. Run free, vaginaface horse! And so on.)
Wow. Tangential. Anyway, Janine flipped out around the middle of year twelve. Her parents had apparently divorced, and the thick, viscous membrane of insipid Christian dogmatism dissipated like a sneeze. She quickly became a devotee of drugs and pothead bone (yes, pothead bone. Proper sweaty bone.), and to this day, she cannot be weaned off these terible vices.
Now, back to the reason for this horribly convoluted, but charmingly idiotic, post. Instead of Janine Vaginaface, imagine the population of China. And instead of sweet, sweet teenage bone, imagine the internet. Why? Well, the Chinese People’s Liberation Army have programmes dedicated to an explosion of internet addiction. These camps, incidentally, sound in no way frightening or weird:
“…in addition to military-style discipline, some 60-odd patients at his center undergo a three-month regimen of counseling, confidence-building activities, sex education, and in about 60 percent of the cases, medication.”
In short, people deprived of pop culture (or bone) eventually go nuts when they get a taste of it. Incidentally, if you’re in China and reading this blog, tell me. I would very much like to run the kind of site that the Chinese censors deem innapropriate. It probably isn’t entirely unlikely I’m on some kind of blacklist, as between us, Luke and I have posted the word “abortion” about eighty times. And Vaginaface is pretty bad. I do apologise for claiming her surname was Vaginaface.
It’s Saunders.
/Paul
(Link via Boingboing)
11 responses so far ↓
1 Louis // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:29 am
I think you had a thing for this chick. Tell the world the truth Paul
2 The Mighty Ginge // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:31 am
That’s fantastic – I fully intend to tell the next unwashed hippy I come across “fuck whales, they don’t have souls”.
Ofcourse, it’s a damn dirty lie. The soul is what makes them taste like sweet Virginia ham
3 paul // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:36 am
She was like a pigeon, Louis! A pigeon past its prime!
4 Destructor // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:37 am
Now, this Vaginaface… did she look terrible, but feel great?
5 Luke // Jan 15, 2009 at 10:43 am
now, now, we’ve all seen eraserhead… right?
actually, i haven’t but that seems vaguely similar…
6 Wendel // Jan 15, 2009 at 2:02 pm
Actually, I’m in China. And you’re not censored here. I don’t mind if you keep trying for it, but I will be sad if you succeed.
Meanwhile, whoever picks the websites we’re not allowed to see does a seemingly random job of it. I’m not allowed to watch uk.youtube videos (but http://www.youtube ones are generally okay), and for some reason I’m not allowed to visit http://www.wordle.net. How I miss making those insidious, nonconformist word clouds….
7 Teeje // Jan 15, 2009 at 3:09 pm
I’m with you, Wendel! It’s a shame there’s no Wordle!
It’s rather ludicrous that you can read this and NOT wordle… Shouldn’t it be the OTHER way around?!
8 Alice // Jan 15, 2009 at 7:01 pm
Wow. That made absolutely no sense at all to me. But I giggled at vaginaface.
That Wordle site is totally sweet, Wendel.
9 paul // Jan 16, 2009 at 7:16 am
Teeje did a wordle of this site, and the word “Vaginaface” was the biggest one there. I really do feel like a trailblazer in some weird way.
10 VaJayJay // Jan 16, 2009 at 9:20 am
Dear Paulie,
Just once could you please keep my vagina out of a conversation, lest I smite thee.
With love,
J. Saunders.
PS:
Call me. xx
11 The Mighty Ginge | The only blog on the Internet with Chuck Norris killing an albino giraffe with a fly-kick and an M-60 // Jul 3, 2010 at 1:43 pm
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