The Somewhat Ambitious

Well, just when you thought that the unending rape and pillage of our childhoods that has been the past decade of Star Wars films must surely be at an end, George Lucas has to go and outdo himself once more. Not content with simply castrating Han Solo by having Greedo shoot first, recent revelations on the official Star Wars website (I wonder if those people are die-hard enough to actually have enjoyed the Clone Wars movie. Fuck you Ashoka. ‘R-Tooie’ my ass) suggest that in the dim, dank uninspired halls of George Lucas’ imagination, Han Solo was, in fact, at one point, married to a Wookie. Yes, that’s right Han Solo was married to a FUCKING WOOKIE. Sorry, that probably bears repeating one more time: Han Solo was fucking a Wookie. A quote from Lenny Rips, the screenwriter behind the much maligned 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special:

“Lucas started talking about Star Wars as if it was a real world. He said things like, ‘Well, you know Han Solo is married to a Wookie. But we can’t say that.’”

Apparently an early draft of Star Wars from 1975 had Han “living with a furry female creature who he kisses.” Now that, my friends, would be cinema. The only way this could get any better is if it turns out that Jabba was actually a jilted ex-lover. And that Chewbacca is Han’s son. And that Darth Vader is Luke’s father… Oh.

/Luke

[via Lifelounge]

P.S. Apparently Bea Arthurs did a song in the Star Wars Holiday Special. I need to find this song, learn it and then sing it rapturously as my Death Knight rips apart all that it comes into contact with. The Golden Girls will rule forever.

P.P.S. Some people really need to find more productive uses for their time. From the Star Wars Holiday Special wikipedia entry:

The Star Wars Holiday Special is technically in the Star Wars canon, which means that the events depicted are part of the greater continuity that includes the other films, novels, comic books, video games, etc. Generally, it falls in the C-Canon in the overall Star Wars continuity.

According to Leland Chee, the keeper of The Holocron, an internal Star Wars continuity database at Lucasfilm (which contains at least 28 individual entries relating to elements of the holiday special), most elements from the holiday special are definitely considered canon. However, there are specific rules as to what is what. First off, any element from the holiday special that is referenced in another work is considered C-Canon (such as Life Day, Chewbacca’s family, etc.). Any element from the holiday special that is not referenced in other works is considered S-Canon, which means that it is canon, and that it “happened,” but its canonicity is not set in stone. The only element from the holiday special where the canonicity is disputed is its claim that Chief Bast survived the destruction of the first Death Star from A New Hope. However this officer isn’t necessarily Chief Bast, and might just be a lookalike played by the same actor.