The Somewhat Ambitious

Douglas Coupland posited in his masterpiece J-Pod that most, if not all, nerds have mild cases of Autism. One of the characters in said novel invented a hug machine, to provide fellow members of her software design company with the physical contact they craved. The machine was basically a mattress press, which somebody could crawl into to experience all the warmth and comfort a hug would provide. I mean, hell, if you can’t get the real thing, why not sink into the sweet embrace of bedware?*

Wikihow has an intruiging article about how to hug a girl, which was brought to my attention by a listener. It breaks down step-by-step how to overcome the awkwardness which can accompany a hug, especially if you panic and and end up punching the recipient in the face, or setting them on fire. Here’s one of my favourite suggestions:

“Embrace her by placing your arms around her back, perhaps near her waist, and lightly pulling her toward you. Her arms will typically be directed to either your waist or your shoulders. The first few seconds of the hug should be just like any other hug: firm but gentle. Be careful to avoid placing your hands on inappropriate places of the girl’s body.”

I’m fully aware the article was compiled with an air of whimsy and irony, but I know for a fact several friends of mine, past and present, would get a lot out of it. I think the key with hugs is to commit to the entry. The second you hesitate, they hesitate, and before you know it you’re being forced to hug somebody you fucking hate for making you sway around like some kind of giant retarded sunflower.

/Paul

*Rhetorical.