Hi everyone, many apologies for my absence, It’s been a crazy few days! I have, however, just been to a preview screening of the new Clone Wars animated feature, and have a pre-release rundown for all you Star Wars fans.
After attending the preview screening of The Clone Wars, I can honestly say that when the world bursts into flames and The Rapture (the event, not the band) confronts us all and asks us what we were glad for, I shall have one more reason to WELCOME SWEET, SWEET DEATH.
Hyperbole! Yay!
Overwrought sentences rife with biblical references notwithstanding, the film was one stop on the crashing train that was the Star Wars aftermath. I use the word “aftermath” because it is clear Lucas is sliding down a gravelly incline towards almost certain creative doom, and every time he tries to find scant purchase on a branch or rocky outcrop, we have to see something like The Clone Wars. Curious as to why I’m being so ascerbic? Partly because the train I just got off was hiijacked by steampunk robots*, and partly because of a character called Ahsoka.
Ahsoka, designed presumably as a relatable vehicle by which young fans of Bratz might enter the Star Wars universe (she even sports a boob-tube), is the cinematic equivalent of being force-fed the stuff that gets emptied from your vacuum cleaner. Again, very harsh, but hear me out. Straight off the bat, she makes evident her propensity for cutifying words, and throughout the film refes to R2D2 as “R-Tooie”. She also refers to three pike-weilding robots as “Stick-Tinnies”, and Anakin refers to her as “Snips”. What is my point? Ahsoka cheapens and diminishes the vastness and epic quality of Star Wars, much like Jar Jar, or Midichlorians. Or Jake Lloyd. Or that scene in Episode 2 in the diner. Or all the clones played by Temeura Morrison. Or Ewoks. Or Hayden Christensen’s tantrums. Or putting Jabba back in A New Hope. Or Watto. Or making Greedo shoot first. Or… well, you catch my drift. Thanks for crapping on the lawn of my childhood, Lucas.
/Paul
*Fiction.
12 responses so far ↓
1 obsidiantears83 // Aug 11, 2008 at 12:21 pm
LOL lovely review. You have just saved me seeing it.. i am a start wars fan, and I was considering seeing it – none of my friends have yet, so i didnt know the lowdown,.. i guess i wait for dvd, and watch it while I am drunk LOL make things more entertaining!
2 Jonny // Aug 11, 2008 at 1:31 pm
Let’s face it… Lucas could stick a lightsaber in a cow pat like a birthday candle and us Star Wars fanboys & girls are STILL going to queue to see it… If only to be able to join the throngs of Star Wars fanboys & girls whining about how the movie was a flashy pile of shit.
I’m going put it out there that the Knights of the Old Republic video game is the best Star Wars IP since RotJ.
3 paul // Aug 11, 2008 at 2:01 pm
Agreed. I’d even go a step further and say that despite being rushed along by the studios, KOTOR2 is fantastic. If they kept doing sequels on that scale and with that much depth, you’d never need to look any further for your fix!
4 Jonny // Aug 11, 2008 at 2:56 pm
Absolutely -Which makes me think.
HK-47 from the KOTOR was an example of comedic-relief done right.
He’d wisecrack, he’d foreground his own statements, he’d desintegrate meatbags with hilarious pride…. But that’s where it stopped.
Thankfully the authors never took it to the point where they thought he’d be worth stepping in as a representative on the galactic senate…
That’d be just taking things waaay t… Oh shit.
5 paul // Aug 11, 2008 at 3:53 pm
HK-47 was amazing. I played Galaxies for months to try and recapture the magic of KOTOR, but it fell monumentally short. The closest I’ve had to a similarly immersive foray into Star Wars would be the Jedi Knight series; Jedi Outcast ranks as one of the most enjoyable games I’ve ever played. Which is why I’m scared about The Force Unleashed… ARE THESE JEDI, OR NORSE GODS?
6 Breakfast Show Wrap-up, August 12th // Aug 12, 2008 at 9:46 am
[...] The new animated Clone Wars feature, and George Lucas. God, I hate [...]
7 killallhumans // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:06 am
/agree with Jedi knight series.
Outcast was pretty amazing and I also finished academy a few times.
Fighting 3 foes at once in an epic saber duel while deflecting rockets from enemy troopers made you feel more bad-ass than mufasa.
and then there was the acid……
8 paul // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:25 am
Mufasa? As in the Jeremy irons Mufasa? Grats on the most obscure link to Star Wars on this blog thus far!
Acid? In game or out?
9 killallhumans // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:32 am
As in James Earl Jones Mufasa. Jeremy irons was scar. *Clucks tongue arrogantly*
And thank you, I’m known on the interblag as the Slippery Tangent!
As for the Acid? Best leave that to the imagination…….
10 paul // Aug 12, 2008 at 10:42 am
Once again, I’ve revealed my feeble Lion King knowledge. Dammit!
11 Jonny // Aug 12, 2008 at 5:15 pm
Whatever.. Apparently Disney tried to pay James Earl Jones in Zebra hocks for his voice acting.
12 George Lucas is Kinky // Nov 30, 2008 at 3:42 pm
[...] (I wonder if those people are die-hard enough to actually have enjoyed the Clone Wars movie. Fuck you Ashoka. ‘R-Tooie’ my ass) suggest that in the dim, dank uninspired halls of George [...]
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