The Somewhat Ambitious

Tomorrow is the finale for Nerds of a Feather on the 2008 run of the Triple J Breakfast Show with Robbie, Marieke and The Doctor (aka. he who cannot go into space). I’ll be discussing all manner of weird shit, including squids with elbows (seriously, they have elbows), celebrities who play World of Warcraft, and stoner mummies. The egyptian kind, not the parental kind. Stoned parents are just plain creepy. Unless your dad is Elliott Gould. Why Elliott Gould? Why not!

/Paul

Well, just when you thought that the unending rape and pillage of our childhoods that has been the past decade of Star Wars films must surely be at an end, George Lucas has to go and outdo himself once more. Not content with simply castrating Han Solo by having Greedo shoot first, recent revelations on the official Star Wars website (I wonder if those people are die-hard enough to actually have enjoyed the Clone Wars movie. Fuck you Ashoka. ‘R-Tooie’ my ass) suggest that in the dim, dank uninspired halls of George Lucas’ imagination, Han Solo was, in fact, at one point, married to a Wookie. Yes, that’s right Han Solo was married to a FUCKING WOOKIE. Sorry, that probably bears repeating one more time: Han Solo was fucking a Wookie. A quote from Lenny Rips, the screenwriter behind the much maligned 1978 Star Wars Holiday Special:

“Lucas started talking about Star Wars as if it was a real world. He said things like, ‘Well, you know Han Solo is married to a Wookie. But we can’t say that.’”

Apparently an early draft of Star Wars from 1975 had Han “living with a furry female creature who he kisses.” Now that, my friends, would be cinema. The only way this could get any better is if it turns out that Jabba was actually a jilted ex-lover. And that Chewbacca is Han’s son. And that Darth Vader is Luke’s father… Oh.

/Luke

[via Lifelounge]

P.S. Apparently Bea Arthurs did a song in the Star Wars Holiday Special. I need to find this song, learn it and then sing it rapturously as my Death Knight rips apart all that it comes into contact with. The Golden Girls will rule forever.

P.P.S. Some people really need to find more productive uses for their time. From the Star Wars Holiday Special wikipedia entry:

The Star Wars Holiday Special is technically in the Star Wars canon, which means that the events depicted are part of the greater continuity that includes the other films, novels, comic books, video games, etc. Generally, it falls in the C-Canon in the overall Star Wars continuity.

According to Leland Chee, the keeper of The Holocron, an internal Star Wars continuity database at Lucasfilm (which contains at least 28 individual entries relating to elements of the holiday special), most elements from the holiday special are definitely considered canon. However, there are specific rules as to what is what. First off, any element from the holiday special that is referenced in another work is considered C-Canon (such as Life Day, Chewbacca’s family, etc.). Any element from the holiday special that is not referenced in other works is considered S-Canon, which means that it is canon, and that it “happened,” but its canonicity is not set in stone. The only element from the holiday special where the canonicity is disputed is its claim that Chief Bast survived the destruction of the first Death Star from A New Hope. However this officer isn’t necessarily Chief Bast, and might just be a lookalike played by the same actor.

An american man, who was driving drunk and who led police on a car chase, managed to run himself over. Apparently, after a series of profoundly retarded acts (driving through barbed wire was my highlight, especially given the scarcity of barbed wire in most cities), the unnamed miscreant fell out of the car and ran over his own legs. I call bullshit on this. Want my explanation?

WORMHOLE.

There, I said it. He travelled through a wormhole, found out some terrible secret, and came back from the future to run over his own legs. Who knows, maybe to prevent some mad dance moves he’d come up with which would lead to nuclear war. Which is why, dear readers, I do not dance.*

/Paul

*Also, when I dance I look like a muppet being electrocuted.

Soap Lake (which is apparently a town in the USA, and not as i first thought just an awesome place to bathe) is allegedly planning on installing a fifty-foot high lava lamp. To be perfectly honest, I’d like to say something snide about how the people installing it have no sense of irony, or that they’re stupid, or that they smell, or that they’re the product of inbreeding. But let’s be perfectly honest: this is fucking banangoes. Also, can you imagine how many bees you’d have to milk for all that wax?* I’m guessing plenty. Plenty of bees.

/Paul

*I’ve just wikied “bees”, and apparently they don’t produce wax. I refuse to believe this assertion. Also, did you know bees dance? That’s awesome.

LUKE SKYWALKER’S LIGHTSABER IS FOR SALE.

A reader has pointed out that Profiles in History is holding a Hollywood memorabilia auction, at which Luke’s iconic weapon (not sure if its the one from ‘Jedi that he built himself, or the one Alec Guiness foisted from his still smouldering dad) will be up for auction. Also for sale are Indy’s hat and whip from Temple of Doom, C3P0’s helmet, a Lord of the Rings three-book collection signed by Tolkein (the real one, not his hack son), and lots of other drool worthy booty.

Anyone up for a heist?

(Link courtesy of reader, Beau)

/Paul

Ever wanted to literally shit gold? Good luck, idiot! because there’s no way you could…

…Right. Turns out you can. For $400US a pop, no less. Carry on.

(Link via Neatorama)

/Paul

In a break from nerd news and the general whimsical idiocy which characterises The Somewhat Ambitious, some relatively breaking news: Mumbai is officially caught up in a shitstorm. A group calling itself the Deccan Mujahedeen has claimed responsibility for a series of attacks targeting luxury hotels and various highly populated public places, which is good, because I’m pretty sure the afterlife has a snug little wing for these kinds of cowardly fucks. There have been hostages taken, sporadic gun battles between terrorists and police, and at this stage press coverage seems to indicate that the Indian army and navy are on standby. In order to counterract this moronic series of pointless acts, I’ll be posting lots of light-hearted, weird shit today. Stay tuned.

/Paul

(Live video coverage can be watched here, if you’re feeling morose.)

About a month back, I linked to some do-it-yourself papercraft Marvel superheroes. Well, good news! If you emerged from that encounter peppered with papercuts and clutching your tiny Wolverine, wilting on account of all the blood you’ve lost, and you STILL want more, here’s more! The papercraft guys (I’m assuming they ditched their real names and adopted that group title, seeing as how a career in papercrafts trumps anything your parents could ever come up with, and also has a terrifying effect on yonder ladies) have come up with paper models of Charles Darwin, Albert Einstein and Carl Sagan. Seriously, these things are awesome. Provided you don’t live in an area prone to forest fires, or provided you aren’t MADE of fire, in which case you’ve probably already melted the keyboard you used to google this blog. Bad! Bad fireboy!

(Link via Neatorama)

/Paul

*Edit: I’ve noticed that the papercraft models aren’t by the same guys, they’re by someone called Rainha Vermelha. I guess I’m a papercraft racist. I hope this serves to inCREASE papercraft awareness. Anyone? Anyone?

As discussed this morning on the Breakfast Show, pictured above is my Death Knight Estelle Getty. And ON todays show, I discussed:

- The new Bandai gun alarm clock (which quite flustered Marieke’s inner fangirl)

- An incident in Louisana involving a phone, a bullet and God.

- The midnight launch of Wrath of the Lich King, and my Golden Girl crew of Death Knights.

- Lego Furniture!

- The splitting in twain of the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows film.

- And finally, my impending Q&A with Kevin Smith.

As usual, the podcast will be linked here soon. Also, next week is the final ‘nerds for 2008, so be sure to tune in!

/Paul

In a chonologically stupefying move, Paul and I have just finished doing Tuesday’s episode of The Somewhat Ambitious. WHA-? you say. Wha indeed. We have the hyper-caffeinated sound bites to prove it. My god it was tangential. But only suitable really, given that the theme this week was/will be, once again, shuffle. We just pick a track and then start jumping through our iTunes library and play the first 8 or 9 tracks that appear, in whatever order they appear. Of course, this is slightly qualified. I, for instance, chose not to include A Silver Mt. Zion’s beautiful, but glacially epic track ‘Could Have Moved Mountains’. Paul chose not to include the three separate extracts from the BBC’s radio play of ‘Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy’ thrown up by his iPod. Possibly ill-advisedly, because Douglas Adams may well be funnier than us. He’s certainly more focussed. He wrote four chronologically linked and structurally sound novels. We can barely talk for four minutes without violating most laws of conceptual association and common decency. Don’t believe us? Here’s us discussing Bjork’s ‘Ambergris March’ while playing Bjork’s ‘Ambergris March’. Heh. Ambergris. Listen on Tuesday for more.

Here be the playlist, along with some mp3s and ramblings:

1. Yo La Tengo - Our Way To Fall [Paul - even when he has no choice in the matter he still ends up playing Yo La Tengo. I think he must have a lot of Yo La Tengo. If you say Yo La Tengo enough it stops having any meaning. Yo La Tengo. Yo La Tengo. Yooooo La Tengo. Yolatengo. Yo LA Tengo. And I'm done.]
2. Sebastien Tellier - Sexual Sportswear [Luke - creator of the beloved 'La Ritournelle' tries for a repeat performance with limited success]
3. Sergio Mendes - Pais Tropical [Paul - he listens to this while weekending at his villa with a small Portugese boy named Raoul]
4. Sufjan Stevens - Lo! How A Rose E’er Blooming [Paul - one of the tracks from Sufjan's five CD Christmas mega pack. Man, you must be really scraping the Merry Christmas barrel by the ass-end of the fifth CD. And up next, the little known Christmas jingle 'What's With All The Tinsel? No, Seriously, What's With It?]
5. Weird Tapes - Nikki [Luke - quirky, sample-heavy Hail Social side project. The entire 'Get Religion' EP is available for download here. Well worth it]
6. Jeff Buckley - So Real [Paul - Ah, Jeff, cheer up. Oh, that's right, you can't. Because you're dead. Remember kids, alcohol, depression and fast-flowing American rivers don't mix]
7. Mogwai - We’re No Here [Luke - This track tells you everything you need to know about depressing Glaswegian cityscapes]
8. The Beta Band - Assessment [Paul - John Cusack in High Fidelity liked it. Do you?]
9. Calvin Harris - Certified [Luke - This track tells you everything you need to know about depressing Glaswegian club scenes]
10. Bjork - Ambergris March [Paul - what do you think Bjork and Matthew Barney talk about over breakfast? Do they even eat breakfast? Perhaps they just sit there and feed each other pages from the Complete Oxford English Dictionary. Hmmm.]
11. Iron and Wine - Sodom, South Georgia [Luke - oh, this is so lovely it makes me want to curl up in his voice and go to sleep. Bringing Sodom back in to fashion. One of my favourite ever songs]
12. Fleet Foxes - Ragged Wood [Paul - pastoral folk rock from current indie darlings. No joke here.]
13. CSS - Left Behind (Midnight Juggernauts Remix) [Luke - Melbourne electro rock sensations remix Brazilian electro rock sensations]
14. Rick James - Ghetto Life [Paul - electro funk from the man once dubbed 'The Walking Sex Offence'. By me. This and this should tell you all you need to know.]
15. The Roots - 75 Bars (Black’s Reconstruction) [Luke - song by hip-hop doyens off their latest album 'Rising Down', notable largely for the fact that they drop the 'N-bomb' 39 times in 3 minutes and 16 seconds. Impressive.]
16. Bonde Do Role - Melo Do Tabaco [Luke - Brazilian baile funk number by now defunct group. You may remember them as the band who briefly had their song in a Bonds' underwear ad, until it was called to the attention of the good people at Bonds that, when translated, the lyrics in the ad roughly meant 'Bite you like a whore/Come and play with my pussy'. Natch.]

Tune in next week (after you tune in this week…) for duets and collaborations. Paul and I may sing ‘Ebony and Ivory’ live on air. But probably not.

/Luke